Hospital Weights Adjusted Downward After Thanksgiving, Scoring Patient Satisfaction Win!

Memphis, TN -- A nurse at Grover Hospital struck clinical gold Monday by recalibrating hospital scales back 10 pounds, 20 pounds, 40 pounds, even 100 pounds and more - in the weekend  aftermath of Thursday's annual Thanksgiving Day bing - to try and win the third annual Most Improved Patient Satisfaction Scores Floor Contest.

Customers admitted after the holiday feast will often complain to nurses they gained too much weight gorging on turkey and stuffing.  So Brian Jamison, the good looking male nurse known hospital wide for his inappropriate comments, decided to take matters into his own hands.

"I was assigned  Gerty, a 90 year old with CHF and TOADS* who went on and on about gaining 10 pounds after Thanksgiving and lamenting about her days as a 120 pound Roxette while I was trying to enter yes-no questions into the EHR.  I could see my patient satisfaction scores declining before my eyes," said Brian, who's amazing pornstache sealed the win for his floor's No-Shave November contest among the male and female nurses.

Brian was not about to let a lodl** ruin his chances at winning another holiday contest, so he quickly zeroed out Gerty's scale at minus 10 pounds and helped her up.  "The scale says you've lost five pounds this week.  Way to go sexy!  You're ready to dance!" he said with that special murse pornstache smile.

"I don't know where I am or what's going on, but I just felt butterflies under my skin after that good looking young man told me I lost five pound," said Gerty, who somehow works her way out of four-point leathers and wanders the halls buck naked every time she gets admitted.

With Gerty's success behind him, Brian's ambitions for perfect patient satisfaction scores grew with every patient, racking up over 247 pounds of weight loss satisfaction gold in just one 12 hour shift.  "I had patients sending ME flowers before my shift was even over," said Brian who normally feels bad for the other nurses when a homeless, one-legged, drugged-out meth addict gets more flowers in the hospital than most of his colleagues get in a year.

Some doctors were mildly concerned, albeit briefly, about the effect inaccurate weights might have  on their patients' safety, but then quickly realized happiness always comes first.   "On one of Brian's dialysis patients, I had to add 17 kg of volume during his Saturday run after he lost nearly 40 pounds the day after Thanksgiving.  He ended up on a ventilator with a cardiology consult for reverse aquapheresis management, but the last thing he said was 'Give me that satisfaction survey.  You're getting all fives',"  said Dr. Henry Allensworth, a nephrologist who who normally carries his own scale with him as a substituted for hospital wide inaccurate I's and O's,  but forget it this fateful weekend.

One gastric bypass candidate actually canceled her surgery scheduled for next week when Brian informed her of a miraculous 170 pound post-Thanksgiving weight loss achievement while hospitalized for acutely chronic bilateral non-celulitic cellulitis.

Unintended consequences of weight adjustments were popping up everywhere.    Pharmacists were forced to use a modified Cockcroft-Gault creatinine clearance formula using a Coefficient of Brian (CoB) to account for his unorthodox, but highly successful, patient satisfaction initiative.
 Modified Cockcroft-Gault CrCl = (140-age) * (Wt in kg*CoB) * (0.85 if female) / (72 * Cr)
Results on Brian's floor were nothing short of remarkable.  Average body mass index dropped over 30 points, causing a loss of $600,000 in Medicare reimbursement for morbid obesity as a complicating condition and mortality rose 14% due to physician volume mismanagement in 72% of patients - a rate 10% higher than normal.  But more importantly, patient satisfaction scores were perfect in  97.9% of Brian's patients.

A retrospective analysis of the data confirmed the 3.1% failure rate was due to Brian's failure to pick 42 pounds - the desired weight of his anorexic patient - instead of the 43 pounds for her weight that he just eyeballed while also picking non-even, believable numbers to chart for her complete set of vital signs.  For that, she gave him zeros on all his patient satisfaction scores.

After winning the contest and being promoted to Inpatient Manager of Perception, Brian ordered all nurses to manage up their scales by managing down their weight and also anew dress code that included mandatory participation in No-Shave November for all nurses because he thought it would be fun.

*Too Old And Debilitated Syndrome
**little old demented lady

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