Hospital Bans Unauthorized Nurse Bathroom Breaks

Albuquerque, NM -- Pine View Hospital on Friday started banning unauthorized nurse bathroom breaks, cutting cost in anticipation of reduced payments next year.  Officials believe the move will allow 32 projected nurse retirement positions to go unfilled and save the hospital several million dollars.

"Thirty-five years ago, I remember taking at least 8-10 bathroom breaks a day.  Now, I'm lucky if I get one,"  said Sandy Berrymore, an outpatient surgery nurse who made sure to tell everyone around her she was just 78 days away from retirement.

Starting last week, Pine View Hospital started authorizing nurse bathroom breaks with a daily first-come, first served sign up sheet posted outside the staff bathroom area at change-of-shift, to encourage nurses to get their business done before their shift starts.

Hospital officials say they were prepared for long lines starting several hours before clock in.  "We installed two additional porta-potties near the staff break room on each floor to make the process as least disruptive as possible," said CEO Jake Fedmore, who was given an 8% raise next year for this creative idea.

Less than a week since the new policy began, nurse productivity has increased by 30% and two million dollars in costs savings are projected annually.

"I can't believe how much money I'm saving my hospital by foregoing my bathroom breaks,"  said new nursing graduate Theresa Beddle, who was trained to take one for the team whenever a challenge arises.

The policy does provide medical exemptions if a notarized physician explanation is provided.  "I had a charge nurse barge into the bathroom yesterday telling me I was not authorized to poo, until I showed her my doctor's note," said Jenny Allingsworth, a nurse who's doctor authorized 10 breaks a day.

To help prepare nurses for their new expectation, Pine View Hospital is encouraging nurses to view their free online classes, including Methods to Hold Your Bladder after CPR,  How to Work 12 Hours without Drinking and Mind over Bladder.

Based on the overwhelmingly positive economic impact in just the first week, CEO Jake Fedmore plans to take the policy to the next level with a more aggressive algorithm (Figure 1) next year.  "I'm anticipating at least a 15% raise next year with this awesome idea."

"Nurse Bathroom Break Protocol"

Nurse Bathroom Break Protocol Algorithm Humor
Figure 1:  Nurse Bathroom Break Protocol

This funny nurse algorithm is available for purchase on t-shirts, mugs, and holiday ornaments and other gifts from The Happy Hospitalist Zazzle store.  Huge discounts (up to 60% and more) are available for Veterans Day Sale using discount code VETERANDAY14.

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