Secret Service Agent No Match For Little Old Ladies at Local Hospital.

San Antonio, TX --  When hospitalist Tony Gibano hired off duty White House Secret Service agent Frank Sieve to stand guard outside Memorial Hospital's Emergency Department, he thought he had concocted the perfect no-hitter plan on his final night shift before vacation.

"I thought nobody would get through his badge and gun, but it turns out all his buddies call him Leaky Sieve,"  said Dr. Gibano, who ended up with 22 admissions, including one lady who's Cardiologist son demanded she be admitted while her house was being painted.

Using patient profiling criteria, Mr. Sieve was given explicit instructions to prevent entry to ER triage of all possible hospitalist admissions, but that didn't stop one family from walking right past him  with a note that said 'Took grandpa off hospice.  Will be back after Christmas to pick him up.'"

"The guy was terrible.  I watched him waive EMT through with an incontinent 95 year-old demented nursing home woman patient in the middle of her colonoscopy prep yelling 'Help me!  Help me!'"  said ER nurse Janice Fleming, who found out later the nursing home was too short staffed to clean poo, as usual."

"Eye-balling that lady from my work station, I'd say she had at least seven admission criteria.  The ER doctor was calling the hospitalist before we even checked her in."

Rarely at his post, Mr. Sieve spent most of the night at the nursing station trying to get a date for Saturday night.  "He kept flashing his badge yelling 'Wanna hear a secret?', hoping one of the nurslings would pay attention," said Janice, who admitted this show was even better than watching Frank the security guard get hurt during a code assist on a seven year-old last year.

At his busiest, Dr. Gibano cried out loud when he got called to admit Too-Old-To-Go-Home, Too-Angry-For-Discharge and Too-Healthy-To-Answer-A-Yes-No-Question-Without-Telling-A-Story while Mr. Sieve was preoccupied calling a cab for two patients leaving AMA with their PCA Dilaudid pumps in tow.

Dr. Gibano gave up on any chance of a decent night when he watched Mr. Sieve wave through an armed man demanding a turkey sandwich and a shot of Demerol, because he was too busy talking to Trixie, a local street hooker hired by the hospital to improve patient satisfaction scores among dirty old men, which is most of them.

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