Dyscrazia: A Diagnostic Conundrum Solved.

NEAR CRAZY WOMAN CREEK, WY -  Hospitalists in Wyoming have discovered a remarkable illness that has eluded physicians for decades.   Dyscrazia, first reported in the Journal Of Throw Away Journals, was coined by Park Ranger and Father of Native American Hospitalist Mountain Medicine, Dr Run Fast Like Bear PR, MD, MPH, FHM, PHD, PQRI, ABIM, CPOE.

After years of being terrorized by nonsensical middle-of-the-night patient requests, Dr Bear hypothesized, "We always thought dyscrazia was the only rational medical diagnosis to explain why healthy women with 62 complaints but no actual medical problems would demand an order for Colace, Visine, and ChapStick at 3 o'clock in the morning." 

From 2009-2013, Dr Bear and his team paid 42 night nurses an extra 25 cents per shift  to examine 60,000 consecutive hospital charts instead of doing optional, but management encouraged 3 A.M. chart checks.   This was their biggest raise in three years.  This nonrandomized cost control study confirmed Dr Bear's suspicion.  He said, "A meticulous review of the data failed to detect any pattern of organic disease, except for excess allergies and vitamin use".

Most patients with  dyscrazia were found to be addicted to over-the-counter vitamins.  "We were shocked to discover this population was abusing an average of 11 vitamins a day, seven of which were ordered from Dr Oz's website.  We never realized how many patients were abusing cinnamin, garlic, and vitamin water.  It was an eye opening study."

In addition, researchers discovered most patients with dyscrazia suffered from allergic reactions to an average of 17 different  medications, abstract thoughts and inanimate objects. "We could never understand how someone could be allergic to the color red.  Now we know", explained Dr Bear. 

Some findings did catch the Bear and his team by surprise.  Dr Bear explained: "We couldn't believe the amount of  documentation embellishment we discovered to get insurance to pay for their stays.  We saw doctors documenting life threatening fever of 97.5 degrees Fahrenheit because their patient said anything over 95.7 means something bad is going on.  We saw bilateral leg fat get intravenous Vancomycin for a week because the redness 'has to be infection'.  I even saw a patient admitted six days for a nondiagnostic scaly rash that responded to routine showering."

Since their discovery, Dr Bear's nocturnists have  notified nursing staff they will no longer be accepting any calls  after 7 pm from any patient with dyscrazia.  All calls are now being  deferred to the ER where they deal with dyscrazia.

All.  Day.  Long.

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