Lasix Changes Name to Lasixtoeight. "Lasts Six Hours" Called False Advertising.

Bridgewater, NJ -- Sanofi-Aventis was forced to change the brand name of its loop diuretic furosemide from Lasix to Lasixtoeight yesterday after the drug maker admitted knowing all along Lasix lasts six to eight hours and not six hours as the name implied.

Attending nurses, pharmacists and physicians have been telling students for decades that  Lasix stands for "lasts six hours".  This teaching moment has helped propel brand name Lasix to cult drug status, unmatched by any other medication in the pharmaceutical world, except perhaps the excitement of the adenosine pause.

Generic furosemide is rarely prescribed because the story of brand name Lasix has been universally enjoyed on rounds by medical, pharmacy and nursing students for decades.   As most students mature, they naturally prefer Lasix over furosemide and all other diuretics.

"What the Hell is furosemide.  Never heard of it," said Dr Mark Fleming, Director of the Internal Medicine Residency Program at Harvard Medical School, who also admits telling the 'lasts six hours' story at least seven thousand times during his tenure at Harvard.  "Sometimes I'll order Lasix on a patient just so I can tell the story again," said Dr Fleming.

Very few attending pharmacists and nurses are comfortable dispensing furosemide because of their lack of familiarity.

"If our 3 a.m. chart checks discover an order for furosemide, I have instructed our floor nurses to call the doctor immediately and get conversion dosing to Lasix before the morning dose is due hours later on the next shift,"  said Nancy Parkman, Director of Nursing at Lakeview Nursing Home in Bridgewater, New Jersey.  

As students mature, most tire quickly of the excitement attending physicians display in telling Lasix lore.  "As a resident, I only write for furosemide, out of spite," said Sandy Wigham, a first year intern who also enjoys going straight to 12 mg of Adenosine inside of 6 mg.  

Internal documents obtained from the US Food and Drug Administration confirm the drug maker has known for  decades that using the name 'Lasix' would give the drug an unfair marketing advantage over competing loop diuretics, Bumex and Demadex.

"Who's going to order Lasixtoeight?  I can't even pronounce it," said Pamela Stevens the Sanofi-Aventis drug rep who lost her job selling Lasix as a result of the name change.  "Most doctors won't presecribe something they can't pronounce."

Feeling the heat from investors, Sanofi called $4-a-month generic furosemide a garbage drug and responded by offering a one month supply of  Lasixtoeight for $80 instead of the normal $300 charged for brand name Lasix.  

Shortly after the Lasix name change, Roche Labs, owner of competing diuretic Bumex, filed an FDA application to change the name of Bumex to Lasix after fudging data to show diuretic activity was actually just six hours instead of six to eight hours like Lasixtoeight. They are hoping nobody at the FDA will notice the change. 

CDC Ebola Isolation Protocol Deficiency Discovered

Atlanta, GA --  The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) apologized Monday for blaming a protocol breach as the source of hospital acquired Ebola infections in two healthcare workers at Texas Presbyterian Hospital in Dallas, Texas shortly after discovering major deficiencies in their own Ebola isolation protocols.

"We apologize to all healthcare workers personally offended by our protocol breach accusation resulting in Ebola transmission.  It turns out it our protocol needed updating,"  said Tom Frieden, CDC director since 2009.

Mr Frieden came clean after a CDC intern discovered a copy of the The Official CDC Ebola Isolation Protocol on Google and reported his concerns to Mr. Frieden immediately.

The CDC hopes to have an updated Ebola isolation protocol available for all healthcare workers early next year.  Until then, they are requesting all hospital workers, who come into contact with an Ebola patient, draw a giant E in permanent black marker on their right shoulder so everyone around them can act accordingly.

Official CDC Ebola Isolation Protocol for Healthcare Workers
Official Ebola Isolation Protocol for Healthcare Workers 

You can buy your own isolation protocol shirt or other assorted isolation protocol gifts only from The Happy Hospitalist's Zazzle store.

ER Ebola Quarantine Screening Tool: A CDC Guide for Healthcare Workers

Atlanta, GA --  Just one day after the viral release of Who To Blame When You Get Ebola, the CDC has released a follow up ER Ebola screening tool to help emergency departments determine which patients need to be quarantined immediately.  Fear continues to grip the country after two nurses at a Dallas, Texas hospital contracted Ebola virus in the course of their normal workday activities.

"We know, without a doubt, this  all inclusive and fail proof ER Ebola screening tool will help healthcare workers know when to immediately initiate quarantine protocols.  There's no way anyone will be missed if this protocol is not broken,"  said Tom Frieden, Director of the CDC, being careful to avoid use of the word 'breached'.

The CDC has been under constant attack after blaming a breach in protocol as the cause of Ebola  transmission at Texas Health Presbyterian Hospital.  The White House has since responded by  organizing Ebola SWAT teams ready to travel anywhere in the country and hunt down healthcare workers who call in sick after Ebola strikes their hospital.    The White has even appointed a lawyer, Ron Klain, as this nation's  Ebola Czar to help triage lawsuits against community hospitals for failing to keep their yellow gown supply closet fully stocked during an outbreak of Ebola.

Not everyone is convinced the quarantine tool goes far enough.  "They should have just quarantined the whole country of Texas," said Rusty Bender, a college graduate living with his mother despite a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree.



In response to public criticism, the CDC has updated their Ebola ER quarantine tool to yield a greater net of protection.

"Retrospectively, we realized our original protocol failed to account for the possibility of some folks traveling out of Dallas to other communities, which we just didn't think of at the time," said Tom Frieden, in a hastily called news conference while wearing full barrier protection at his home.

The CDC is asking healthcare professionals to ask ER patients if they have come in contact with Ebola in the last 3 weeks.  The CDC understands most patients will have no idea and have accounted for this possibility in their updated guidelines.

"We want to be as thorough as possible and not have people who may have Ebola infecting our planes, trains and automobiles." said Mr. Frieden.

The CDC offered little guidance regarding the risk of coming into contact with Ebola, except to say anyone who witnesses a healthcare worker wearing scrubs at a grocery store should keep a large perimeter distance and to yell 'EBOLA", then call 911 if they see them coughing or sneezing.

 Updated ER Ebola Quarantine Screening Tool from the CDC (algorithm)

Ebola Halloween Hazmat Costumes Sell Out: CDC Found Hoarding Them.

Atlanta, GA --  Hours after Mark Zuckerberg donated $25 million dollars to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) to fight Ebola virus, Amazon sold out of Ebola hazmat costumes and thousands of Halloween shops from Los Angeles to New York confirmed brisk sales for Ebola gear ranging from age 3 months to XXXL.

Ebola Halloween Costumes Seen Helping Hospitals
After telling reporters his agency must 'rethink the way we address Ebola infection control', CDC Director Tom Frieden has confirmed he authorized spending all 25 million dollars on over-the-counter Ebola costumes.

In a news conference yesterday, the CDC proudly announced their well planned protocol to protect healthcare workers using Ebola costumes, describing them as 'full barrier protection gear with a Tyvek suit, eye protection, 2 Surgical masks, 2 Pairs of gloves, booties, Duct tape and plastic bin for easy storage.'

"We want doctors and nurses to be like, 'Damn. love your Ebola gear!" said the reliable source high inside the ranks of the CDC.

Some CDC employees knew a major policy shift was planned days before details were confirmed at the news conference.   Sarah Stenson, a CDC employee laid off yesterday for saying the word 'Ebola' out loud during work, a no-no, confirmed seeing several employees playing with bright yellow Ebola Hazmat outfits that looked identical to the ones she bought her 3 and 8 year-old boys for Halloween.

"My boss asked me last week how to sign up for Amazon Prime and now these Ebola costumes  show up on his desk complete with goggles, air mask, gloves and full body suit.  Coincidence?  I think not."

The CDC has acknowledged a need to better protect hospital workers against Ebola as a second healthcare worker at Texas Presbyterian Hospital tested positive for Ebola virus after caring for Eric Thomas Duncan, the Liberian who has since passed away of this deadly disease.

Rapid response teams within the CDC are now prepared to travel anywhere at a moment's notice to drop off enough Ebola costumes for 14 of the required 21 days of isolation.  However, due to the national shortage in Ebola costumes, the CDC is asking hospitals to recycle the gloves and suits by "turning them inside out' when supplies run low.

"We are also asking hospitals to return their Ebola costumes to CDC headquarters once the coast is clear so we can wash them out and give them to other hospitals that are in dire need of barrier protection," said Mr. Frieden proudly.

Who To Blame When You Get Ebola: A CDC Guide For Healthcare Workers

Atlanta, GA -- The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) announced new flowchart guidelines Monday to help healthcare workers understand who they could  blame once they contract Ebola in the hospital setting.  The new recommendations follow declarations by Dr Thomas Friedman, Director of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, that nurse Nina Pham in a Dallas, Texas hospital contracted Ebola due to 'protocol breach' while caring for the now deceased Ebola victim Thomas Eric Duncan.

Nurses are used to getting blamed for everything.  In fact, most nursing programs teach nurses how to take one for the team when bad things happen.  Getting blamed for spreading Ebola is naturally accepted by most nurses as business as usual.

"After speaking with representatives from the American Nurses Association, everyone agreed blaming nurses for spreading Ebola was just the easiest thing to do," said Jason Fenster, a CDC spokesman who blamed his nurse last year for undercooked eggs while hospitalized for an undisclosed infection contracted at a CDC laboratory.

Following the release of these CDC guidelines,  officials at the Dallas, Texas hospital confirmed they are probably going to blame three or four nurses for spreading Ebola while taking care of Mr. Duncan, including one on maternity leave for the last six weeks.

"I've been in the hospital CEO business for 30 years.  Whenever bad things happen in a hospital setting,  we can count on at least one nurse to take the fall.  In fact, I'm so confident that a nurse is always at fault, we built an entire section into our hospital rules and regulations titled 'How To Blame a Nurse For Anything Bad That Could Lead To A Lawsuit," said Jed Brainer, CEO of Texas Presbyterian Hospital.

A spokesman at the CDC, who wished to remain anonymous, says guidelines to be released next week  for non-healthcare workers and pets who contract Ebola will likely blame nurses as well.

You can purchase this original algorithm as a t-shirt at The Happy Hospitalist Zazzle store here. It's also available as a coffee mug too! 

"Who to Blame When You Get Ebola:  A CDC Guide for Healthcare Workers"

Who to blame when you get Ebola.  A CDC guide for healthcare workers flowchart humor photo.

Make sure to check out the complete collection of original Ebola humor memes, stories and commentary only from The Happy Hospitalist.