Maine Quarantines Travelers From France Citing Risk of Body Odor Transmission.

Augusta, ME -- Jaz Fedor became the first victim Wednesday of Maine's mandatory 21 day quarantine for travelers returning from body odor stricken areas of Western France.  Two state officials escorted  Mr Fedor from his flight to his home for involuntary house arrest to be monitored twice daily for signs of body odor.  Maine's latest segregation efforts, signed into law yesterday by Governor Paul LePage, were based on public outcry and not on sound scientific principles.

"The citizens of Maine have a right to walk the streets without getting infected with body odor," said Mr. LePage,  who considers BO a major public health issue after a personal scare while stranded on a runway several years ago.

The announcement comes less than a day after  nurse Kaci Hickox  refused to self quarantine herself upon returning to Maine from Ebola stricken West Africa.  Maine Governor Paul LePage began enforcing a mandatory 21 day Ebola quarantine for healthcare workers risking their lives to help victims in Africa.

"I don't get it.  I'm a metrosexual.  I'm probably the cleanest guy in Maine," said Jaz, who promised to fight his quarantine from his bathroom, where he showers at least four times a day.

CNN and Fox News, competing with nonstop coverage of the French BO outbreak on their CNN-2 and Fox News Light sister sites, say the smells are especially noxious and mutations could lead to spread by human contact.

"Until we know more about this strain of body odor, I am not willing to risk an outbreak of BO in my great State of Maine," said Governor LePage.

Although nobody believes them, The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says there is no current evidence in support human-to-human transmission of body odor.  "We do not support the Maine quarantine of travelers to Western France," said CDC Director Thomas Frieden.

Ebola Like Physician Signature Forces Hospital Into Quarantine

Sacramento, CA --  Just days after New York and New Jersey announced strict new quarantine procedures for healthcare workers returning from West Africa, California Governor Jerry Brown upped the ante by signing legislation that requires all healthcare professionals to report anything that looks, sounds, acts, feels, tastes or smells like Ebola.

Ebola Virus Signature Found On Patient Chart
Hours later, the sixth floor surgical ward at Bayside Hospital was quarantined by The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention after a veteran nurse reported seeing an unidentified physician signature that looked strikingly similar to Ebola.

"As soon as I saw that signature, I started singing that Ebola song,"  said Carly Sandoz,  the goto nurse for deciphering physician signatures on the sixth floor.   Carly contacted the CDC after her concerns were brushed off by hospital officials. "They told me just to add an extra loop on the signature so it longer resembled Ebola."

CDC officials believe they have narrowed down the signature to a new surgeon who is writing all his notes in pink this month to show support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month instead of donating money.

Promising a full investigation,  CDC hired local handwriting experts to determine if the Ebola like signature poses any threat to public safety.  "At this time, we don't think Ebola can be spread through signatures, but I can't say we've really ever checked," said Dr. Thomas Frieden, Director of the CDC.

As a result of Proposition 72, California's new Ebola Law, The CDC is preparing for an onslaught of calls for help from healthcare providers.  In less than 24 hours since the legislation was signed into law, state healthcare practitioners have reported over 3,000 Ebola sightings, including a hairball in the sink at a local nursing home, a gallbladder removed at an outpatient surgical center and a bezoar removed during an urgent upper endoscopy in the ER.

Funny Ebola Shirt: Perfect for Public Transportation.

The Happy Hospitalist is proud to present the perfect shirt for public transportation.    Ebola is no laughing matter, but funny Ebola shirts are.  Are you a New Yorker in a hurry?  Hop onto your local subway and stand proud while onlookers scatter.  Need a night out bowling with your buddies?  Get the lane of your choice with the power of Ebola.   In a hurry to get through checkout?   Whip out your Ebola shirt and you'll move to the front of the line.

Is your ER waiting room crammed full at 2 a.m. with non urgent nonsense that can wait until you're off shift?  Casually remove your scrub top and take a nice leisurely stroll through triage.   Bam.  Problem solved.   Are you a hospitalist who needs to round on 42 patients before noon?  Make sure to "forget your scrubs" and wear this shirt with pride.  Are you a nurse who needs help silencing the call light?  Casually  explain to the patient that distribution is getting you a new pair of scrubs while you wear this shirt with confidence.

With your very own funny Ebola shirt, you are in control.   Buy yours today, only from  The Happy Hospitalist Zazzle site below.  You can find the complete collection of Zazzle humor for sale at this link here.

"I just got back from a West Virginia conference about healthcare in Africa and all I brought home was this Ebola shirt"

Secret Service Agent No Match For Little Old Ladies at Local Hospital.

San Antonio, TX --  When hospitalist Tony Gibano hired off duty White House Secret Service agent Frank Sieve to stand guard outside Memorial Hospital's Emergency Department, he thought he had concocted the perfect no-hitter plan on his final night shift before vacation.

"I thought nobody would get through his badge and gun, but it turns out all his buddies call him Leaky Sieve,"  said Dr. Gibano, who ended up with 22 admissions, including one lady who's Cardiologist son demanded she be admitted while her house was being painted.

Using patient profiling criteria, Mr. Sieve was given explicit instructions to prevent entry to ER triage of all possible hospitalist admissions, but that didn't stop one family from walking right past him  with a note that said 'Took grandpa off hospice.  Will be back after Christmas to pick him up.'"

"The guy was terrible.  I watched him waive EMT through with an incontinent 95 year-old demented nursing home woman patient in the middle of her colonoscopy prep yelling 'Help me!  Help me!'"  said ER nurse Janice Fleming, who found out later the nursing home was too short staffed to clean poo, as usual."

"Eye-balling that lady from my work station, I'd say she had at least seven admission criteria.  The ER doctor was calling the hospitalist before we even checked her in."

Rarely at his post, Mr. Sieve spent most of the night at the nursing station trying to get a date for Saturday night.  "He kept flashing his badge yelling 'Wanna hear a secret?', hoping one of the nurslings would pay attention," said Janice, who admitted this show was even better than watching Frank the security guard get hurt during a code assist on a seven year-old last year.

At his busiest, Dr. Gibano cried out loud when he got called to admit Too-Old-To-Go-Home, Too-Angry-For-Discharge and Too-Healthy-To-Answer-A-Yes-No-Question-Without-Telling-A-Story while Mr. Sieve was preoccupied calling a cab for two patients leaving AMA with their PCA Dilaudid pumps in tow.

Dr. Gibano gave up on any chance of a decent night when he watched Mr. Sieve wave through an armed man demanding a turkey sandwich and a shot of Demerol, because he was too busy talking to Trixie, a local street hooker hired by the hospital to improve patient satisfaction scores among dirty old men, which is most of them.

How To Make a Doctor or Nurse Cry: The Tragic Trinities.

The Happy Hospitalist asked Facebook fans to describe three diseases or patient and family characteristics  that lead to tragedy for healthcare providers when seen in combination with each other and the results were remarkable.   If you are not yet a fan of The Happy Hospitalist Blog Facebook Page, make sure to join now and never miss another status update again.   Every doctor or nurse has their own  tragic trinity combination that brings tears to the very psyche of their soul.

For example, some doctors have pseudoseizures when they see  the tragic trinity of pelvic fracture + observation status + angry daughter watched the 60 Minutes episode on demanding physician write inpatient order.  Some hospital floor nurses cry uncontrollably when they see naked crazy guy in ER +  5 minutes to end of shift + phone ringing with ER ready to call report.  Exposure to these deadly combinations will help doctors, nurses and other healthcare providers survive should they ever find themselves in these dangerous situations.

Is this humor dark and tasteless?  Yes.  So is burned tofu, but you never hear anyone complaining about that.  If you are not in healthcare, you won't understand the crude humor presented here.  If you have a weak stomach, I suggest you stop reading immediately and get some Pepcid.  However, if you are a healthcare provider and you want to learn about potentially deadly combinations you may encounter in your career, I suggest you keep reading.  Study these tragic trinities.  Memorize them and prepare yourself for the day when they show up in your clinic, ER, nursing home or hospital floor.

Without further delay, here is the definitive list of The Tragic Trinities of Healthcare.  If you happen to think of any that may have inadvertently been left off the list, make sure to add them to the comments so all doctors, nurses and other healthcare professionals can  prepare themselves.
  • 93 years old + family no longer allowing ativan to be given + patient thinking they're in combat.
  • Frequent flyer overdose (found down naked in her yard again) + schizophrenia + doctor who thinks its funny/appropriate to order 0.5MG haldol!
    •  I might as well spritz it in the air and ask her to inhale! Jeesh! It's 5mg per dose or don't bother ordering it!
  • Pancreatitis + npo + walking off to eat in cafeteria, always back in room when pain meds due with pain and vomiting.
    • Yells at staff to push Dilaudid 4mg and phenergan 50 mg faster (and you were 3 minutes late with the meds). 
  • Moving in with lamp, bath rug, own cordless phone, and pumpkin to carve (along with knife) + on Medicaid + has lawyer, and mother on speed dial and brags about getting disability due to his back issues.
  • Explosive diarrhea + non ambulatory + family left so they 'wouldn't be in the way'.
  • Dementia + UTI + daughter who has spent a little too much time on Web MD.
  • Sleeping meds + bowel meds + unable to transfer without ceiling lift.
  • 91 year old LTAC patient with chronic peg and trach + failure to wean or thrive + full code.
  • Missed period + wants pregnancy test + brought all 5 kids under the age of 4 because couldn't afford a babysitter.
  • 95 years old + fall resulting in hip fracture, SAH and fractured ribs + momma will be fine!
  • Bath salts OD + severe agitation on ketamine drip on a vent + the mom that claims "my baby would have never done those he if knew they were drugs!
  • Viagra + nitro + wife and girlfriend at the bedside.
  • Child with fever for 3 days, no meds + used EMS to come in + no ride home + needs a work note for a shift that starts in 30 minutes.
  • Missed last 2 dialysis treatments + increased SOB + going to leave AMA once emergent dialysis treatment is over.
  • Psych patient on the medical  floor with 1:1 sitter + poops in his hands and rubs it in his leg wounds so he can " die from infection" + decides to walk the unit and has blood dripping from leg wounds + is farting and pooping as he is walking through unit with gown dragging and butt hanging out. 
  • Severe COPD + chronic trach + kicked out if LTAC for smoking through the trach.
  • Confusion + C. diff + family who won't wear the isolation gowns and stand over your shoulder telling you how to take care of the patient.
  • Chronic pain + Substance abuse history + "allergic" to NSAIDS. 
    • But that Dilaudid stuff worked pretty good.
  • Hillbilly trifecta: Hillbilly + ATV + Alcohol/Narcotics.
  • ESRD + severe sepsis + has  son who is a doctor in another state that wants everything done for his mother who is 96 years old.
  • ETOH + GIB + family in denial.
    • "What did you do to make dad crazy.   He doesn't drink!"
  • End stage disease + pain/anxiety + spouse refuses all benzos and  narcs because he'll get better if he's not sedated.
  • Child with mild rash + stay at home mom with multiple rings and Coach purse + cancelled Zumba class.
  • Ivy League grad student + too drunk to go to jail +  JCrew sweater/shorts = douchebag trifecta.
  • Gangbanger with a GSW +  3 baby mommas all showed up at the same time and are not happy with each other + a couple of suspicious looking characters stalking the hallways trying to find this idiot so they can finish the job.
  • Fibromyalgia + ETOH + expert at knowing how to abuse the system.
  • Metastatic disease + comfort care + crazy daughter wants IVF antibiotics, solumedrol and accuchecks.
  • Fainted at home + didn't call doctor + on five blood pressure meds + anemic from chemo + lives alone.
  • Missed probation appointment + dirty urine + "If I'm not admitted, I'll kill myself".
  • Patient npo sneaking water from the faucet + profusely vomiting + legitimately sick with pancreatic issues and a high BAC.
  • Chronic pain + 7 medication and 4 food allergies + 3 Service animals for "stress disorder".
  • Status post five rounds salvage chemotherapy + Hypotensive and tachycardic in oncology clinic + Direct admitted for goals of care discussion and hospice placement.
  • Fibromyalgia + neuropathy + bipolar
  • Middle age divorce + Bipolar + quack diagnosis of adult onset ADHD + dexamphetamine prescription + internet testosterone injections.
  • A non-compliant diabetic, frequent flyer + who does drugs and comes in only to vomit every where because of the DKA + when feeling better demands all sorts of things than signs out AMA!
  • Intubated/near extubation pneumonia + psych patient in which doctor discontinued all psych meds + sedation "holiday".
  • Patient with TIA symptoms that left AMA and came back after you filled out AMA paperwork + wanted TPA when he returned and physician ordered it and you had to administer it + leaving AMA again 3 hours later.
  • Hasn't taken any insulin or done a finger in a month ( cuz they didn't feel like it) + ate whatever they felt like + blood glucose over 1000 + an enabling significant other....
    • I think we could actually keep this one going.
  • Large, former military man + new neuro checks ordered from a fall + extreme Sundowner's with paranoia. 
  • Pre syncope + 35 medications + 93 years old, with very very concerned children if patient will survive the night.
  • On a balloon pump + stands up to poop + what a wonderful day, 
    • Called the cardiologist and they say "Huh, bet you never saw that before!"
  • Multiple fractures + DT s+ Laculose.
  • Trach + pseudomonas + head injury.
  • Numbness/tingling + 15 "allergies" (ranging from vanilla flavor to morphine) +  history of anxiety or headache.
  • Patient with spouse of 8+ years at bedside for hyperglycemia with stated signs and symptoms of high blood sugar being a swollen vagina with blisters + husband also reporting same symptoms when his blood sugar is elevated + RN notes herpes outbreak during straight cath.
  • Patient observed throwing themselves out of their wheelchair + they really didn't need it +  then screaming for help while you are trying to triage a walk in MI
  • Inpatient with severe asthma + walked out on own after less than 24 hours with IV in arm "to brush teeth" +  readmitted to ER via ambulance less than half-hour later.
  • Goody powder + pradaxa + anything.
  • Chronic dizziness + drug "allergies" + borderline personality disorder.
  • Severe DTs + "allergies" to Haldol, Ativan, and Librium + enabling daughter at bedside that says that shes going to take daddy for a smoke and a drive just as soon as he gets released. 
    • And of course, he "don't drink but 6 days a week!"
  • Dementia + chronic fatigue + only daughter is a lawyer in New York.
  • Fibromyalgia + 8 drug allergies + TID Xanax = 3 vials of propofol for anesthesia induction and a rough emergence.
  • Sepsis + DTs/withdrawal + combative and wanting to spit at everyone + RN making it to the back of his head to put a mask on his face while others are restraining his wrists = him spitting on himself.
  • Allergic reaction to lisinopril + steroid allergy + no mental capacity to appreciate the irony.
  • Uncontrolled pain + daily office visits + incomplete documentation, coding and compliance queries provider for documentation. (The coder's perspective)
  • Dialysis + patient is a tree stump (mostly amputated bilateral legs and arms) + unstable arrhythmias.
  • 92 year old family matriarch + full code + 37 family members with sudden onset of acute tachylordia with multiple JC's--except the two that "done fell out".
  • Gastroparesis + narcotic dependence + morbid obesity or anxiety.
  • Acute respiratory failure + acute on CRF + worse CHF = circling the drain.
  • Nausea and vomiting + no IV access+ new resident.
  • Smoker + COPD on home O2 + family keeps leaving room to go on smoke breaks.
  • 600 pounder + refuses the bariatric room + is max assist.
  • OD + opiate addiction + EMS administered Narcan.
  • Gastroparesis + no veins + no brains.
  • Weakness/dressing change/uses a walker + certified by psych for inpatient mental health + unfunded status needs to go to state hospital = 5 month hospitalization.
  • Non-English speaking + terminal illness +family 'wants everything done'.
  • 8 medication allergies + fibromyalgia + on Seroquel.
  • Morbid obesity + chronic joint pain + poor surgical candidate.
  • CHF + advanced COPD + on a ventilator.

"How to make a nurse cry:  chronic pain + 14 food allergies + 3 service animals for stress disorder."

How to make a nurse cry:  chronic pain + 14 food allergies + 3 service animals for stress disorder photo humor meme.