Whose Stethoscope is it? The View's Joy Behar Algorithm

Whose stethoscope is it?  The View's Joy Behar insulted 3 million nurses this week and the internet won. Meme's, meme's everywhere! But, we are a forgiving people here in America and we must believe she simply didn't have the education to understand what a stethoscope is and who uses it.  After hours of intense medical research, the Happy Hospitalist was able to create  a fail safe algorithm to help the world understand whose stethoscope your healthcare provider is wearing.  Had the world known about this algorithm before Joy spoke, we could have avoided all the hard feelings and just chalked up her ignorance to hard science.

Who's stethoscope is it algorithm for The View's Joy Behar

Memes Responding to The View's Joy Behar Nurse-Doctor Stethoscope Comment.

By now you've probably seen evidence of all three million American nurses expressing their outrage at The View on social media in defense of Miss Colorado contestant Kelley Johnson after co-host Joy Behar mocked her for delivering a monologue wearing a "doctor's stethoscope."

Nurses swarmed Facebook and Twitter during their rare combined bathroom/lunch break to support the Miss America contestant and to defend their profession against the incredible remarks.

What better way to support nurses in their rage than to honor their duty to service with a handful of memes.  Please enjoy this original collection of The View Joy Behar Nurse Memes, courtesy of The Happy Hospitalist.

"So you insulted 3 million nurses and still have a job?"

So you insulted 3 million nurses and still have a job?

"Prepare yourself.  Nurses are attacking!"

Prepare yourself Nurses are attacking photo!

"What do you mean doctor's stethoscope!"

What do you mean doctor's stethoscope!

"One does not simply insult a nurse and get away with it!"

One does not simply insult a  nurse and get away with it!

"What if I told you angry nurses are never a Joy to Behar!"

What if I told you angry nurses are never a Joy to Behar.

"If you could stop calling it a doctor's stethoscope, that would be great!"

If you could stop calling it a doctor's stethoscope that would be great!

"America is a land of opportunity.  All you have to do is not say "doctor's stethoscope!"

America is a land of opportunity.  All you have to do is not say

Cardiologist Arrested For Murder After Cathing Patient to Death.

Tallahassee, FL -- The Tallahassee medical community was stunned Friday after state prosecutors charged local Cardiologist Stan Wellington with first degree murder for the cathing death of James Binkmann.   Prosecutors claim the 79 year-old patient was killed by a four hour cathing rampage that ended with cardiac arrest just as a left pinky artery stent was being deployed.

Cardiologist arrested for murder after cathing patient to death.
Prosecutors released a transcript of the frantic 911 call they received from a float nurse in the cath lab the morning of the patient's death.  "This is damning evidence," said State Prosecutor Denny Fleming.
911:  911.  What is your emergency?
Nurse:  I'm at the hospital watching a doctor cath a patient to death. He's been here four hours and says he won't stop until he finds something to stent.  I don't know what to do!
911:  We're sending officers now.  Tell the doctor food just arrived in the doctor's lounge and get out of there now, before he tries to cath you next.
Dr. Wellington's defense attorney claims he was just doing what his patient requested.  "Mr Binkmann told my client not to quit until he was sure nothing was wrong - that he didn't want to come back next week and do this all over again."

"While Mr Binkmann's death is unfortunate, Dr. Wellington was directed by the deceased not to repeat the failures of the Hospitalist doctors who had released him 'too early' his last seven admissions this year.  He said he wanted everything done, so my client did everything."

After finding crystal clear coronary arteries, prosecutors claim the doctor went too far by cathing his eyes, tongue, neck, lungs, kidneys, spleen, gallbladder,  colon, and even his scrotum before finally finding a clearly stentable lesion in the victim's left pinky.

"He was out of control.  Like a vampire in search of blood.   For God's sake, he cathed the poor man's testicles in search of stentable lesion", said a nurse who witnessed the scene unfold.

Dr Wellington has another theory on why his patient died on the cath table.  "Those damn nephrologists  canceled my Lasofloxalbuterol order and gave him fluid instead."

Joint Commission Mandates Armband to Identify Patients With Too Many Armbands.

Oakbrook Terrace, IL --  Hospitals are up in arms again after The Joint Commission (TJC) on Monday started requiring all patients with too many armbands  to be flagged with an armband for having too many armbands. Mark Chassin, President and Chief Executive Officer of TJC, applauded his organization for taking  action against his organization's failed policies.

Too many armbands?  There's an armband for that!
"I'm proud The Joint Commission is finally  taking a stand against The Joint Commission for continuing to ignore all the unintended consequences of their regulations," said Dr. Chassin.

Doctors and nurses have been telling authorities for years that too many patient armbands are a safety hazard, but those complaints had fallen on deaf ears until last week when 87 year old ICU patient Pat Swanson of Denver, Colorado  underwent emergent bilateral upper extremity amputations at Great Scotts Medical Center shortly after 52 armbands cut off circulation during an anasarca storm.

"After a root cause analysis, we  determined the PROBABLY A PALLIATIVE CARE CANDIDATE  armband placed an hour before the event finally took her arms over the edge," said Dr. Steven Johnson, the Hospitalist on duty when this tragic but totally foreseeable event occurred.

"When she was admitted 24 days ago, she only had three arm bands, but if you do the math, she gained just over 2 armbands per day in the ICU that nobody noticed. In retrospect, the patient telling us 'My arms are too heavy with armbands to lift a spoon and eat' should have clued us into an emerging problem, but we were too busy filling out FMLA papers for multiple family members everyday to head her cry for help," said Dr. Johnson.

In the last four years, The Joint Commission says the average number of patient armbands has skyrocketed from 3 to over 17, as more and more patient characteristics demand armband worthy status, adversely affecting everyone in the hospital.  Nursing students are constantly pulling the code blue cord in an abundance of caution after being unable to palpate a radial pulse.  Medical students have no idea what  pronator drift is anymore.  Phlebotomists are being  retrained to perform bedside  carotid cut-downs for routine blood draws.  Even administrators are overwhelmed with committees trying to solve the excessive armband problem.

"At one point we had 17 committees - all working independently and without communication - each trying to come up with a solution that nobody else liked, resulting in 17 other committees to sort it all out," said Dr Johnson.

What came out of these painful meetings was nothing short of genius at Great Scotts Medical Center. "We hired a hospital seamstress to convert  all those armbands into one giant sash for the women and a handsome fashion belt for the men.  Patients love it and it's a great conversation piece for family.  Plus, as an added bonus, we have the highest satisfaction scores in the universe! Thank you Joint Commission for being so helpful," said Dr Johnson.

Complete list of 52 armbands removed from Pat Swanson.

  1. Swanson With an O
  2. Already Outlived Life Expectancy
  3. Don't Code Her, She Won't Know The Difference
  4. Allow Natural Life Support
  5. Risk of Talking Alot
  6. Risk of Family Filling Out Poor Patient Satisfaction Survey
  7. Looks Older Than Her Stated Age
  8. Ambiguous Name Alert
  9. Suspected  Female
  10. Hard of Understanding
  11. Hits On Young Male Doctors
  12. Likes To Talks About Her Bowels
  13. POA Is A Physician
  14. Doesn't Believe In Flu Shots
  15. Family Googles Everything
  16. Thinks Most Doctors and Nurses Are Too Young
  17. Risk of Asking Lots of Questions
  18. Reads Every Consent Word-For-Word
  19. Family Wants Lawyer To Review All Documents
  20. Wants a Comfortable Death With Everything Done
  21. No Known Drug Allergies
  22. Allergic to All Antibiotics - Anaphylaxis
  23. Allergic To  Wasps, But Not Bumble Bees
  24. Has Two Daughters Who Never Leave The Room
  25. Thinks She's The Only Patient In the Hospital
  26. OK To Go Outside and Smoke
  27. Has Lots of Great Stories If You Have a Free Moment
  28. Wants Everything Taken Care Of While She's Here
  29. Found Cheating at Crossword Puzzles
  30. Should Be In a Nursing Home
  31. Can't Remember If She Has Dementia Or Not
  32. When She Yells 'Bill', Just Say 'Yes,'
  33. Doesn't Like To Be Called Honey
  34. It's Fakeasia, Not a Stroke
  35. Frail like a Babby Bunny
  36. That's Not a Wig You See
  37. Was Perfectly Healthy Until A Week Before Getting Sick
  38. Has Appointment at Mayo Clinic After Discharge To Figure This Out
  39. Disappoints Easily
  40. Not Really a Fighter
  41. Loves a Good Foley
  42. QHS = 4 PM
  43. Rides Call Light Like a Rodeo Champ
  44. 12/10 On The Pain In My Ass Scale
  45. Direct Eye Contact Should Be Avoided
  46. OK To Incubate 
  47. Gown and Glove Encouraged
  48. On Family Meal Plan
  49. Dilaudid 2 MG IV Push Preferred
  50. Dysphagia 7 Diet
  51. Probably a Palliative Care Candidate
  52. Too Many Armbands

Memorial Day Also Remembers Veterans Who Lost Their Life In a VA Hospital.

VA Hospitals -  Memorial Day is a time to remember our service men and women who died while serving in the armed forces, but it's also a time to pay respect to the thousands of veterans who die every day in our VA hospitals all across the country.

Memorial Day honors veterans who lost their lives in a VA hospital
Billy Smith and his family are using today to remember World War II Veteran Granpa Jim, shot 17 times in war, who passed away three years ago at their local VA hospital after undergoing routine bunyan surgery and never making it out alive.  "We dropped him off for a routine surgery and we never heard from him again," said Billy, who says the VA still has no record of him ever getting admitted in the first place.

The Smith Family is not alone.  Hundreds of thousands of families use Memorial Day to remember their fallen VA hospital heroes who went in to get routine medical care and ended up paying the price with their lives.

For many families, Memorial Day is a painful reminder of the lack of accountability in the VA system, were employees can't be fired even in the most egregious of circumstances.

"When I was a resident, I was trying to save the life of my ICU patient crashing on the ventilator, and the x-ray technologist said he wasn't going to come in on a Friday night to do a stat chest x-ray because he lived 30 minutes a way and it was snowing outside," said Dr. Stanley Franklin, an internist who knows how hard it is to get anyone fired from the VA for gross incompetence.  "That place breeds death."

"Then there's the time my MI patient waited six days for a cardiac echo because the echo tech was on vacation for a week.  Oh and then there's that one time my patient bled to death after a nurse stuck him 87 times trying to get an IV started. The list goes on and on."

For many veterans the real war is not on foreign grounds with bombs and bullets, it's fighting for their lives every time they enter a VA hospital.  Please remember to honor your fallen VA patients who gave their lives so some VA employee could instead enjoy a fine potluck lunch.