Fibromyalgia Allergy List Crashes EMR at Local Hospital

Arlington, VA -  Officials at Saint Vincent Hospital are searching for answers after a fibromyalgia patient with 57 allergies crashed their electronic medical record  less than two hours after going live.

"We were not prepared for the destructive forces fibro[myalgia] had to our IT infrastructure," said CEO Lance Bestow.  "We spent eighty million dollars and hired fourteen consulting firms and it still found a way to ruin our day."

Pharmacist Jim Detter was working data entry duty when the malicious fibromyalgia attack occurred.  "Everything was fine at first.  Then I hit a string of allergies to cardboard, the color red, Washington State, and country music.  I could literally feel my keyboard heating up."

A Department of Health and Human Services official, who wished to remain anonymous because they were not authorized to speak to the public, has confirmed a rash of similar attacks around the country. "We have talked with numerous  fibro-terrorism experts and none of them  seemed optimistic for a rapid solution."

Department of Homeland Security representatives are currently working with congressional leaders to craft legislation that requires all fibromyalgia patients to only report their top ten preferred allergies, none of which can include gluten, abstract thoughts or colors of any kind.

Reports of proposed government allergy restrictions quickly spread to  Fibromyallergia, the internet's number one fibromyalgia forum. One anonymous member, who goes by the moniker I-Drive-A-Hurts, was convinced they had an allergic reaction to the news.  "As soon as I heard this, I felt funny and added it to my list that I keep with me at all times.  By the way, I have fibromyalgia."

Until such legislation becomes law, public health officials are asking fibromyalgia patients to error on the side of caution and only tell their physicians and nurses about their top three allergies.  The AMA and ANA are loudly applauding these proposed changes.

Hospital Matches Personality Disorders of Patients With Medical Staff.

Dallas, Texas - Saint James Medical Center began triaging patients last week using exact match personality disorder testing.  In preparation for this groundbreaking process, all doctors, nurses and other hospital employees completed mandatory personality disorder questionnaires several months prior.

"We had narcissistic doctors telling antisocial drug seekers 'Dilaudid is not the right drug for you.'  The borderline nurses were walking past paranoid schizo rooms whispering 'We're here to help you.'  It was ridiculous," said, Frank Duschbaugh, Director of Patient Satisfaction at Saint James Medical Center.

A recent study published in The Journal of Emergency Room Psychiatry confirmed an 87% improvement in satisfaction scores when patients were cared for by people of similar dysfunction.

"Doctors and nurses are just like their patients," said third year medical student and lead author, Jim Dasher.  "When personality disorders of the patient most matched those of their doctors and nurses, everyone was happier.  This was true across all levels of craziness."

Mr Duschbaugh gave several examples of how this new policy was already improving hospital satisfaction scores.  "We have one frequent flyer who treats our staff terrible.  We assigned Dr Fleck, our most hated doctor, for his last admission.  We were shocked to get a from-the-heart thank-you letter from the patient several weeks later!"

Lonnie Flem, voted nurse-most-likely-to-cry three years in a row, also found solace with the new policy.  "After caring for a 19 year old wrist cutter known for muttering 'I mean it this time' during her biweekly social visit to the ER, both Lonnie and our patient  reported a dramatic rise in self worth after caring for each other in the hospital," said Mr Duschbaugh.  "They've even become good Facebook friends."

The new policy has not been without difficulty.  "We were not prepared for the number of patients with more than three personality disorders."  said Mr Duschbaugh.   Hospital officials are actively recruiting like-minded doctors and nurses.  They indicate an endless stream of potential candidates have applied.

"Prepare yourself. Personality disorder in triage!"

Prepare yourself.  Personality disorder in triage humor meme photo.

"What if I told you doctors and nurses are crazy like you."

What if I told you doctors and nurses are crazy like you humor meme photo.

EHR Updates During Busiest Time of Day Preferred By Hospital Doctors.

Grand Rapids, Michigan - Epic Systems Corporation, the maker of a leading electronic health records (EHR) product, has confirmed most physicians prefer to have their patient data management system go offline during times of peak patient encounters.

A recent study published in the Journal of Electronic Health Records asked 5280 physicians at four Michigan hospitals with at least two years of EHR experience when they prefer to have their system go offline for routine weekly maintenance. An overwhelming 77% preferred the hours of 3 - 7 pm on Mondays.  The other 23% answered not applicable as they had not yet logged into their local patient management system or performed a single computerized physician order entry.

Having an EHR system shut down for routine maintenance can be challenging.  Years of research has suggested  practicing high quality care without access to  patient records and an order entry platform can compromise patient safety, place computer keyboards at risk for traumatic injury and lead to vulgar language from doctors and nurses.

Stanley Jensen, Epic's Chief Maintenance Officer, said, "We were surprised most physicians enjoy having their busiest time of day interrupted."  Mr Jensen indicated his team  had planned on changing routine maintenance work to the middle of the night to minimize physician and nurse interruptions, but this survey changed his mind.

"I used to think having Epic go down for hours when I'm trying to admit  eight patients through the ER, return 42 pages at the same time, run three codes and eat a late afternoon snack was ridiculous. But then I realized, it's a perfect chance for me to yell profanities and break stuff without remorse,  " said Michigan University Hospitalist Jeb Feldor.

As a result of this ground-breaking study, most other EHR companies are looking for ways to maximize workflow interruptions of doctors and nurses.

Hospital Emergency Department Testing Drones To Deliver Bad News.

Newport, Connecticut -  Trendy Hospital in Newport Connecticut is the first medical center in the United States to implement a drone program for delivering bad news in the emergency department.

Frank Gilmore, Chief Technical Drone Operator at Trendy Hospital, says "Our beta testing results are through the roof."

Drone is slang for an unmanned aerial vehicle.  Their use has rapidly expanded into many facets of everyday life.  At Trendy Hospital, drone use is currently limited to the delivery of bad news.  "We don't want our patients associating bad news with any single physician.  The risk of bad patient satisfactions scores is just too great," said Dick Janick, Chief Survey Operator at Trendy Hospital.

The drone shift has rapidly escalated into the most popular shift for Emergency Medicine physicians at Trendy. "I hate my job, except for the drone shift.  I'll show up an hour early just to hang out with Denny [the Drone]," says Dr Lisa Bleckman, a cynical  physician with 22 years experience.

In addition, Dr Bleckman said, "Denny told five patients in one day they weren't getting any Dilaudid.  He got yelled at and swung at and nearly crashed.  So I taught him to drop f-bombs as a way to defend himself."

A recent ruling by The Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS) allows drones to practice medicine without a license, as long as a board certified physician, licensed by the newly formed Federal Aviation Medicare Services (FAMS), is operating them.  The fee starts at $1,000 a year for the smallest drones, rising rapidly to $12,000 a year for drones with IV starting capabilities in ED patients who say they want a PICC line to draw blood because they don't have any veins.

Ben Fledman, CEO of National Hospital Compliance (NHC) , worries about the risk of drone compliance in the hospital.  "We recently formed a wholly owned subsidiary of NHC called DroneMD to help hospitals navigate the rapidly expanding hospital drone market.  For example, Nurse Practitioners and Physician Assistants have not been given drone license privileges.  Do you know the penalties if they get caught using them?  DroneMD knows."

Trendy Hospital plans to roll out drone use to hospital wards in the next year to assist hospitalists with being in two places at once.

Foreign Bodies Left in the OR. Major US Hospital Shut Down.

Baltimore, MD - The Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS) announced the closing yesterday of world famous Johns Hopkins University Hospital after three foreign bodies* were left in the operating room on the same day.

"I've been in the O.R. business for 20 years and I've never seen three foreign bodies left in the O.R. on the same day," said Amy Blamer, a random a surgical technologist from Kansas with 23 years experience who was interviewed for this story.

On August 9th, 2014, a whistleblower notified CMS that that Dupang Mahepedra, Xiarp Xoxoxo, and Tariq Mohammad all died in the operating room.  All three patients were MARTI translators on their way to language cross training classes when their van was struck in a Walmart parking lot by a man on a power wheelchair.  

World class surgeons worked for 10 hours to try and save these fine men from their life threatening injuries.  Unfortunately, all three men passed away on the table.

Early reports indicate surgeons Dan Strong and Phil Braisen ripped off their scrubs, wiped the sweat off their brow and quietly left the operating suite with their heads down in silence.

"After they left the O.R. crying, I saw them enter the doctor lounge for a  Turkey sandwich.  The nerve of them," said a housekeeper who agreed to speak anonymously for fear of losing her job.  

Jim Ballstick, Head of Operating Room Privileges at CMS, was mortified.  "To have a surgeon leave three foreign bodies in the O.R. on the same day mandates corrective action immediately," he said, while drinking coffee and searching Ticketmaster for front row seats to Bon Jovi in Baltimore next week.

"I take my job seriously and literally.   I hope those surgeons know leaving three foreign bodies in the OR is not acceptable."  As a result of this CMS investigation, The Joint Commission is investigating this investigation to determine if they need to investigate something.  Anything.

Early reports indicated Johns Hopkins is working aggressively on a new marketing campaign aimed at smoothing over relations with the local foreign community.

"Leaving a foreign body in the O.R.? Aint nobody got time for that!"

Leaving a foreign body in the OR?  Aint' nobody got time for that humor memem photo

* The term foreign bodies is slang for leaving unintended objects in the body after surgery is complete and is considered a never event.  A recent CMS guideline published in document ME4598 mandates literal interpretation of this rule.