Walmart Rounds Helping Train Nation's Young Doctors.

Little Rock, AK - Doctors at the University of Arkansas Medical Center celebrated the three year anniversary of Walmart Rounds on Friday, a one-of-a-kind initiative exposing student doctors to a wide variety of conditions rarely seen anywhere else in the world.

Attending physicians, residents, interns and medical students  from most specialities have donned their white coats and headed to their favorite local Walmart isle for the last three years to observe the stunning pathology of Walmartians in their natural environment.

"During Walmart rounds, we try and tell our students to be as discrete as possible whenever they discover a horse or a zebra, but sometimes their excitement overcomes them," said attending Neurologist Dr. Krzesimir Bednarczyk.

"Just last week one of my gunners in isle three started yelling back to the team 'Here comes a hemochromatosis with a lupus rash, even though it was clearly just an old lady with a bad tan.'"

When the Rheumatologists heard about a possible case of lupus heading their way,  they laughed and chuckled arrogantly.  "I teach all my fellows that nobody has lupus unless we say they do," said Dr. George Bostinza, the Rheumatologist known best for his shirt 'Why the Hell did you order a sed rate anyway?'

"We also had to put up a sign that says 'If  you're here for fibromyalgia, STOP!  Turn around and go back.  Fibromyalgia is a primary care disease.'"

But FP would have no part of it.  By punting every shopper to another service, attending physicians used Walmart rounds to educate student doctors on the financial aspects of medicine.   "We always thought our young Medicaid clinic patients rolling up in their fancy rims and newest iPhone were a bit on the entitled side, but we were shocked to learn how belligerent they became when the cashier wouldn't accept their Medicaid card as payment in full," said Dr. Alan Fenwick.

ER doctors hanging out in deli hated Walmart rounds because of the never ending stream of shoppers sent over by other teams telling them to go see ER without even a courtesy call overhead.  "Just last week some old guy showed up with Dizziness of No Possible Cause to get a stat MRI and wondered why the neurosurgeon wasn't waiting for his immediate arrival," said Dr. Brenda Dresser, an Emergency Medicine doctor who has since authored a case series in the NEJM titled  Turkey Sandwich Request as a Sign of Homeless Dilaudopenia.

"We're also thankful that I.D. chose to hang out in produce so we could them all our toxic sock syndromes."

After just one week of Walmart rounds, the Infectious Disease teams started handing out gloves and yellow gowns after seeing dozens of their C. difficile and MRSA patients man-handling the grapes.  "Less than six months after starting our infection control program in produce, we noticed a statistically significant 76% reduction in mold on Walmart strawberries," said Dr Daniel Messer, the ID doctor who routinely refuses consults for bilateral cellulitis on principle.

Walmart helping train young doctors.
Over the last three years, the Pulmonologists working cigarette checkout discovered  87% of their patients did not quit smoking last week, 92% forgot to bring their oxygen with them and 98% did in fact have $30 lying around for their copays. "They're basically just a bunch of liars," said Pulmonologist Dr. Stan Spencer, himself a two pack-per-day smoker.

While hanging out in baking, ortho  routinely spilled olive oil and waited for a fracture in unsuspecting lol's.  Appalled by the caveman like approach to medicine, many ortho students tried to escape to Dermatology hanging out in skin care, but realized they didn't usually show up until 11:00 am and were usually gone by noon for a long F.A.C.

Not so for the trauma doctors. They found Walmart to be fertile training ground for excited young surglings.  "The Walmart Scooter Club  has been a  gold mine for our young trauma doctors.   We see at least at least one high impact scooter-scooter collision every Friday.  Anything can happen when you've got two 500 pound objects colliding at break-neck speed," said trauma surgeon Dr Stan Harlow.

Even the Hospitalists used Walmart rounds as a quality improvement project after they discovered none of their patients ever showed up to their PCP follow-up appointment
within a week of discharge.  "We started scheduling follow-up at our Walmart rounds and discovered a 72% reduction in 30-day readmission rates over the last three years," said Dr John Fender, Director of Outpatient Hospitalist Medicine.

Two specialties in particular, Psychiatry and Pediatrics, have both abandoned their hospital training programs all together for a full time Walmart residency experience.  "We just couldn't replicate the level of pathology seen at Walmart in our hospital," said the hospital CEO.

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