Adrian Peterson Hired By Hospitalist Group to Discipline Noncompliant Patients.

Eden Prarie, MN -- Patient advocacy groups expressed outrage after a local hospitalist group hired Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson to discipline their noncompliant patients.  The NFL football player was charged with felony child abuse last week after reportedly spanking his 4-year-old child with a  "switch" as discipline for pushing another child off a motorbike video game.

"We tried to replicate his switch therapy on our own patients by using a tree branch whittled by one of our surgeons, but the results were dismal.  Mr Peterson's agent said he was available for employment so we jumped at the opportunity to bring his successful motivational techniques to our frequent flyers who feel empowered to ignore us," said Frank Fillmore, Director of Hospitalist Quality Improvement with Wisconsin Hospitalist Inpatient Program (WHIP) the largest hospitalist group in Wisconsin and Minnesota.

"In less than a week, his closed door consultations  have resulted in a two point drop in our average HgbA1-C and a  0.5 liter FEV1 increase in our COPD population.  Even more impressive, we haven't caught a single MI patient on a ballon pump with Kentucky Fried Chicken fingers.  It's nothing short of remarkable what he's done for our patients."

Hospitalist programs are often asked to implement creative methods for perfecting scores on numerous quality measures that determine how hospitals get paid by The Medicare National Bank.  Sometimes that means thinking outside the box.  The group of physicians say they hired Adrian as a last ditch effort after their hospital risked losing $100,000 out of 2 billion dollars in annual Medicare dollars.

"We were at our wits end.  None of our  patients would follow our instructions.  We tried being nice but that was just degrading.  We tried bribing them but they just took our money and ran.  When we heard of Adrian's remarkable ability to force helpless 4-year-old boys into fearful obedience, we just knew he was the man for our job," said Frank, who has since been promoted to Vice President of Interrogative Services with WHIP.

At first, the hospitalists weren't sure how the public would respond to a good 'ol fashion whooping on the frail elderly who can't remember to take all 42 pills three times a day as ordered.  But those concerns were put to rest after reading Facebook comments on the issue for several days.

Adrian Peterson mugshot.
"We were surprised to find the vast majority of people felt  it was okay to spank, helpless and defenseless 4-year-old boys who can't stand up for themselves against a bully.  The frail elderly are no different.  Now when families question why their 82-year-old one-legged diabetic mother has  14 lashes on her back, we say 'Your comment on TMZ says you turned out just fine after your parents spanked the crap out of you and you respect your elders just fine.  Your mother is acting like a child for not doing as we say.  We are confident this will help her respect us.'  It's WIN-WIN."

WHIP's spanking policy has been so successful, they plan to expand Adrian's proprietary therapy next week to the following patient populations:  Patients acting like children; Patients who bring adult children acting like children;  Patients who request a script for aspirin or Miralax so they don't have to pay for it;  Patients who demand being called doctor, despite having a Ph.D in art history; Patients who only admit to smoking two cigarettes a day;  Patients with a pan positive review of systems;   Patients with more than three allergies; Patients who take at least 100 units a day of U-500 insulin; Patients who stay against medical advice; Patients who call 911 from their room; Patients who go outside for some fresh air; Patients who answer their cell phone during an interview; Patients who ask when the doctor is going to be in;  Patients who are dressed and ready to go before the doctor arrives for discharge discussion.

"If all goes as planned, we hope to implement Adrian Therapy as part of our interdisciplinary discharge plan.  One study at a New Jersey hospital suggested kicking the crap out of patients just before they leave a hospital prevents a 30-day readmission 100 percent of the time, except for dementia.   We're still investigating alternative readmission prevention techniques for them."

CMS is keeping a close eye on outcomes from WHIP and is considering spank therapy as payable procedure using the 25 modifier code.

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