Dementia Quotes, Sayings and Stories That Will Make You Laugh!

Over the years I've had some pretty fascinating, interesting and humorous conversations with dementia patients. Behind all that agitation and confusion that can make hospitalization for demented people so complicated and full of risk is the innocence of dementia itself. Dementia is a child like state of innocence that separates the patient's reality from ours.  It is that skewed reality that drives both the pain and humor of dementia.

Take for example the demented old lady with multiple medical problems. She's brushing her teeth with the help of staff. She's laughing and giggling and then blurts out from nowhere, "I don't know what I'm doing, but if I spit on you it's going to kill you!"   The innocence of it all.  I asked my facebook readers to share their funny stories and experiences they have had with their demented patients and they didn't disappoint.  Dementia can be sad and sweet at the same time.  By definition, dementia robs one of their ability to understand and comprehend the world around them.  They live in their own reality.  Some demented people become angry.  Some become paranoid.  Some become sweet and funny.    Below is a collection of quotes, stories and sayings my readers have experienced from patients with dementia.  Feel free to add your own.  In addition, make sure to "Like" my facebook page for The Happy Hospitalist if you want to experience a whole lot of humor and occasionally crappy serious stuff too.  Over 3,500 followers agree.  Without further delay, here is some good old fashion dementia humor!
  • "The nurses are trying to poison me and the rats here are huge." My response: "No sir, they're trying to poison the guy down the hall and I just got off the phone with the exterminator. He'll be here soon with a rat trap. Now, do you think you can take the medication this nurse has here in sealed packaging? Your blood pressure is too high."
  • I once helped an alcoholic going through withdrawal feed the "kitten under his bed" milk. Got a small dish of milk, put it under the bed. He said the meowing stopped and he could lay down. If you can't beat crazy, join them.
  • I was wearing a yellow isolation gown... Heard from the room, "Hey you.  Yeah you.  Big bird"
  • One of my first days as a new nurse on an Alzheimer's unit we were in the dining room and an elderly gentleman walked up to a table of female patients, says "Hello ladies" and proceeds to whip out his penis and urinate all over the table.
  • A patient told the dayshift that nightshift was making beer at the foot of his bed.  We were emptying his Foley!
  • The most common one was the patient from down the hall in an angry indignant voice, "What kind of hotel IS this!" We felt compelled to come up with something amusing to share.
  • This patient kept coming out of his room and wondering in the hall.   We placed a square of tape on the floor and told him he could not go past this area and he would come out of his room, staying inside that square and lean out over the tape on the floor to look around. He never went past it. That was cute.
  • After shuffling an old lady to the bedside commode she says, "It's been a long time since I had a young man take my pants down."
  • ""Are you Jewish, because I only want a Jewish doctor". As luck would have it there were no Jewish doctors around.  I know, right? And in NEW YORK of all places! We sent in the Korean ER doc and she never knew the difference!
  • I'm a speech pathologist and I was trying so hard to get a little old guy to eat. He grabbed my hand to stop me and said, "Can't you see I'm trying to die here?" He actually did pass away a couple of days later.
  • Old man lying in bed looking out the window at night said, "I'm waiting for them to come and take me to my home planet".   He died that night so maybe it wasn't dementia. Another patient shared the super secret code to all of the nuclear weapons in the world: zero-zero-zero.
  • "Call 911! This bitch is trying to kill me!"  I was doing a neuro check:  Q2 hrs as ordered by a completely clueless resident.
  • An elderly female patient with dementia was going to MRI and got agitated when transportation arrived. She refused to go and kept asking for Dr. Bright Eyes. When I figured out who she was talking about, one of our doctors with the prettiest eyes, I asked him to see her and she calmed right down and was able to get the MRI. The nickname stuck with me. 
  • I had a 91yo WWII Vet at the VA tell me that he was going to "take me to fist city" because he was unhappy with the quality of his breakfast.
  • Little man sitting at bedside with towel folded square on top of head. When I asked why, he stated it was to keep the kangaroos away. I asked how it was working and he said he hadn't seen one yet. We're in Georgia. There's no high population of kangaroos at our facility to begin with.
  • I suddenly hear someone on the intercom saying, "Bob, Bob, Why won't you talk to me........" The conversation was one-sided and she became more angry and was clearly confused. It seems our confused patient dialed the hospital three number password for the hospital intercom and thought her son was on the other end.   Eight floors and about a ten minute search we found her and shut her phone off.  Im sure everyone in the building thought it was funny.
  • Kept asking who that man was.  When we said her husband she said, "No ma'am, my husband is a good looking guy. That old man ain't my husband."
  • "Somebody needs to get out there and feed that owl.  He's gonna starve out there!"  Regarding the plastic owl on the roofline to keep the pigeons away. We kept telling him it was not real.  He was not convinced!
  • My dear grandmother was a bit of a terror at times with her dementia, but once she said so sweetly, "I don't know who you are but thank you for coming to visit me."
  • The old lady that told her family that the night shift nurses tortured and killed puppies. The family believed her enough to ask staff about it.
  • One who screamed we were going to drown her in the river every time we would transfer her from bed to chair, took one look at me and said, "Dirty squaw".  I'm Mi'kmaq first nations. Most of my colleagues didn't even know.   Or the one who would wave at the lady in the mirror every time and then tell me she was such a lovely lady, that one.
  • I've been known to park an imaginary goat for a guy to keep him happy and in bed and was tipped with coins made of poop.
  • "I don't know who you are but you sure are pretty!"  Elderly guy, slightly demented but you can tell he was a ladies man and is still a charmer. My moms patient "With boobs like that who am I to argue with you!"  Good point man. Now do your therapy.
  • While suctioning a lady she spit at me and said "Scram, skunk!" But I guess I would do the same with someone shoving something down my nose.
  • I had a resident walk up to me in nothing but pantyhose and ask, "Excuse me, do I seem overwhelming queer to you?"
  • A CNA called me to help get a demented patient off the toilet. She refused to move. I said, "You can't just stay here all night." She shot right back, "I most certainly can." Gotta admit, she had a point. Started to wonder which one of us was the confused one. I told her technically she was right, but it wouldn't be optimal for her to stay there all night. She pondered the word "optimal," decided I must be right, got up and got into bed.
  • My aunt remembered me as a five year old, did not understand I was an adult. She also thought she was running the nursing home where she lived.
  • A man once took out his tray from his bedside table and shit in it. The same man also gave everyone spy names and codes. He was bat shit crazy! Each day with him you cried and laughed.
  • In the middle of the night, call bell rang.  When CNA answered, the man said "Come quick, and bring a big banana!"
  • I was doing a home health setup on an elderly man. I was talking to a family member when the patient comes in and puts on a Sinatra record, strips completely naked and starts dancing with the DME tech who was about 350 lbs. The family was horrified, but I wish I had a camera for that.
  • "I don't know about that. I've got a Pap smear machine." He said in response to the nurse asking if he wore a CPAP for his apnea.
  • I had a 92 year old patient flip me off with both hands with such a flourish she would have won an Oscar!
  • As I was wheeling past her room for the 100th time that day she told me there hay girl goes with that lawn mower again.  She said those to the CNA which happened to be my sister, Sheri.    Earlier in the day the patient was getting mad at me while I was trying to assess her.  Sheri ce in and the woman looked at her badge and said "you better listen to her she is the sheriff" needless to say the name stuck with her throughout nursing school.
  • Me: Mrs. Dementia, how are you feeling today? Mrs. Dementia: I'm feeling like I wanna kick your ass! Nurse: Now Mrs. Dementia, you shouldn't say that her, she's pregnant. Mrs. Dementia: Shame on you!
  • Patient admitted with respiratory issues also seeing spiders and bugs all over his room. When RT walked into the room for the breathing treatment he shouted "Oh good, the exterminators are here!" Yeah it was quite a time trying to convince him the updraft was not bug spray!
  • My dad had a sweet dementia. He was engaged to every female caretaker. He also spoke to our deceased mother on a regular basis and told us what it was like where she is!
  • Little lady in restraints turned her mantra of "Please help me, please help me!" into a nursery rhyme ditty that continued for most of my 12-hr shift.
  • I was talking to the family member of a patient with dementia who was on a stretcher in the ER lying nearly flat under a bunch of blankets. I talk with my hands and as I was making an open hand gesture, something came through the air in an arc from the vicinity of the patients head and landed in my hand. I knew right away what it was and started to laugh as I ran to the sink. The horrified family member who also had an inkling of what is was asked, "Momma what did you just do?" A voice came from somewhere in the blankets, " I spit."
  • I got told the CT surgeon and I would make a cute couple. She was way demented!
  • The one who refused to go to sleep because I was trying to get my filthy hands on her husband. She kept calling 911 until the phone service was ahem, removed, from her bedside.
  • "I have diverticulitis in my toes"
  • I measure how long my patient has been demented by their answer to the question: "Who's the president?" One patient answered "Richard Nixon". You know instantly he's not demented....he's schizophrenic.
  • "Will you come home with me?"
If you happen to think of your own dementia quotes or stories, feel free to leave them in the comments below for others to enjoy.  And please enjoy this original Happy Hospitalist ecard humor, part of the complete collection on Pinterest.

"A dementia patient pissed me off the other day.  So I gave them a piece of MY mind."

A dementia patient pissed me off the other day.  So I gave them a piece of MY mind nurse ecard humor photo.


Facebook funnies:
Behind all that agitation and confusion that can make hospitalization for demented people so complicated and full of risk is the innocence of dementia itself. It is that child like state of innocence that separates their reality from ours that can drive both the pain and humor of dementia. Take for example the demented old lady with multiple medical problems. She's brushing her teeth with the help of staff. She's laughing and giggling and then blurts out from nowhere. I don't know what I'm doing, but if I spit on you it's going to kill you. The innocence of it all. 
 Facebook funnies:
Demented people say the funniest things. What are some funny things you've had demented patients or family members say to you?  Happy: Do you know why you're here? Demented Patient: Hell son, I've forgotten more than you've ever learned. Now that's pretty good insight for having dementia.

This post is for entertainment purposes only and likely contains humor only understood by those in a healthcare profession. Read at your own risk.

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