(HNN) As 2012 ushers in the new year, so does a new era in marathon running. The American Cancer Society (ACS), the American Hospital Association (AHA), and PhilipMorrisUSA, a wholly owned subsidiary of tobacco giant Altria, have announced a multi-year corporate marathon sponsorship catered exclusively to smokers. Called the Sweat While You Smoke Tour, this marathon circuit promises to revolutionize the way America views smokers. Says one smoker, who wished to remain anonymous, "We aren't all lazy couch potatoes looking for our next Jonesing fix. Many of us lead healthy and active lives. I signed up for the first ever Sweat While You Smoke marathon event to prove to my nonsmoking friends and family that I'm just as healthy as they are. They're so snotty. I'll show them how tough I really am."
John R Seffrin, CEO of the American Cancer Society agrees. "We understand that smokers are here to stay. After decades of encouraging state and federal legislation to eliminate tobacco from mainstream America, we at the American Cancer Society have discovered the enormous financial benefits of teaming up with big tobacco. We are making hundreds of millions of dollars on this tour to help fight cancer and smokers get a chance to show America they have the heart to exercise. It's WIN-WIN." All marathon races will begin at the front doors of a participating hospital. This whirlwind tour will visit 52 cities in 52 weeks and give smokers the exhilarating opportunity to experience all the health benefits of marathon running while discovering the beauty of America's hospitals.
Tour organizers understand their smokers have many different levels of marathon running experience. They are offering graded running opportunities which include the full 26 block marathon, the 13 block half marathon, the 10 block, the 5 block and the 1 block run-walk experience. All entrants will be required to submit proof of positive cotinine status obtained within the previous thirty days as a prerequisite for race enrollment. In addition, all marathoners will be required to smoke at least one cigarette during their race to prove their continued dedication to tobacco abuse. Oxygen stations will be provided every block free of charge, paid for with magic ObamaCare money.
Richard Umbdenstock, President and CEO of the AHA says, "We must make sure all our race participants are addicted to tobacco at race time if we are going to maintain the integrity of this exciting new marathon circuit for smokers. We know ex-smokers and nonsmokers will try and skirt the rules We are prepared for them." The American Hospital Association has promised that all participating hospitals will have at least 50% of their acute medical beds open on race day. Mass casualty protocols will be in effect and participating hospital emergency rooms will be given reprieve from EMTALA rules on race day in order to divert all Medicaid patients to other nonparticipating hospitals. The AHA has also promised to provide extra staffing with hospitalists, pulmonologists and cardiologists, even providing locum tenens doctors, if necessary.
The tour will begin in San Fransisco and end at the White House in Washington DC on New Years Eve 2012. Obama reportedly signed an executive order to have the last event of the year at the White House, blaming Congress, again, for their inability to act. Says White House Chief of Staff Bill Dale, " President Obama will participate in the five block run to show his solidarity to all smokers. It also gives him an opportunity to see what the White House looks like up close, one last time." All race participants will receive a free carton of non-filtered Marlboro light cigarettes, a 10% off coupon for a cardiac calcium scan and a free monthly newsletter from the American Cancer Society about the health benefits of exercise.
This article is copyright protected by the Happy News Network. If you are a smoker, please contact the ACS, the AHA, Altria or Obama for more details about the Sweating While You Smoke Tour.