What is it like in a hospital on Christmas Eve? Find out in this very special Christmas holiday edition of Happy's Xtranormal Theater titled Twas the Night Before Christmas in the Hospital. Find all my other original and not so original Xtranormal medical videos and my other Christmas Xtranormal parody titled The 12 Days of Christmas in the Hospital ICU. The YouTube video can be viewed below the transcript here:
Twas the night before Christmas. And all through the ward.
The patients are sleeping. The doctors are bored.
There's just nobody here. You'd think we are closed.
Don't get sick on this night. Or you just might get hosed.
Radiology shuts down. The techs are long gone.
Preparing egg nog. To drink until dawn.
All the GOMERs are tied down. With four point restraints.
To heck with the families. Who keep filing complaints.
All the nurses and doctors. They need a long break.
From that guy with the seizures. Trust me. They are fake.
I'm not going to lie. This job can be tough.
That's why our pharmacy. Stocks all that magic stuff.
It will knock you out. And help us relax.
While you're sleeping and dreaming. We're eating Christmas snacks.
There's nobody here. To yell or complain.
About food at the nurses station. So. Much. Food. It's insane.
And just like that. All the madness appears.
It's the night before Christmas. Filled with beers and with tears.
The PCP is laughing. While their patient is crying.
Call the hospitalist. They say. I don't care if Jimmy is dying.
Let the madness begin. For all hospitalists here.
In the hospital ward. Soothing grandpa's fear.
The Jay Co police. They take holidays off.
While hospitalists tell patients. Turn your head and cough.
Now Renal! Now Raad! Now Gastro! Now Pulm!
On ortho! On onco! On Cards! On Rheum!
If we're busy, you're busy. That's just how it works.
We admit your patients. And you get a call from the clerks.
I have a consult for you. The clerk says with a smile.
Oh wait, not the clerk. They've been at home for a while.
It's Christmas Eve, you see. There's nobody here.
Except hospitalists and nurses. Dreaming of beer.
It's the nurse who will call. And get put in the middle.
While the bone doctor screams. More than just a little.
Don't blame the nurse. For your Christmas eve duty.
You've got a hospitalist running scut work. For your snooty booty.
I did four years of med school. And suffered with you.
Through anatomy professors. Who stunk like stale poo.
I'm working tonight. To care for the masses.
That primary care doctors. Dropped on our asses.
Families upset. Patients all in a tizzy.
Filled with champagne. And a broken hip from being dizzy.
I can write for a diet. And pain meds just like you.
I can't fix the guy's bone. Or put in a screw.
I can't look up his butt. With a joy stick and light.
Nor navigate a catheter. Into the coronary on the right
I'm not trained to cut eyes. Or write orders for hemo.
I slept through the class. On how to give chemo.
I don't pack noses. Or do pelvic exams.
And definitely. I don't do manual disimpaction exams.
My role in patient care. Is making them happy.
Because other doctors. Happen to be taking a nappie.
I'm OK with that roll. You know, patient satisfaction.
Come 2013. Lights. Camera. Action.
Hospitalists are morphing. As Medicare fights.
To survive an orgy of debt. Fueled by patient delights.
Nurses bombard us. We need X, Y and Z.
I can't even take a moment. To stop and to pee.
The ER keeps calling. We have another one here.
It's a homeless crack addict. Who got hit by a deer.
And just as I'm leaving. An ambulance arrives.
With a nursing home patient. Who's barely alive.
The family from 'Bama. And Arkansas too.
Calls us demanding. We make grandma pull through.
Social Security checks are coming. But not if she's dead.
We need her cash for our gifts. I swear, that's what he said.
It's Christmas eve, you see. We're filling up fast.
I just don't know. How long I can last.
I'm exhausted from running. All night without sleep.
I didn't even get. To count one sheep.
Even though I hate working. The shift about Jesus.
I'm a hospitalist, you see. And I'm here to fight illness.
With Christ in my mind. I can see cheerful lights.
Happy Christmas to all. And to all a good night.