Funny Patient Quotes and Sayings That Will Make You Laugh!

Sometimes patients say the funniest things.  As a medical profession, we are around the lingo day in and day out.  It's easy to lose the perspective of a lay person.  That means funny patient quotes are bound to happen.  In fact, I  had a funny patient quote just the other day.  It was an older lady admitted with abdominal pain and severe constipation who had remarkable results with just a couple suppositories.  
Happy:  How do you feel today? 
Woman:  I feel fantastic.  I want you to send me home with a couple dozen of them depositories.
It took every ounce of strength in my body not to start laughing out loud.  But she got a heck of a smile out of me.    I couldn't help but see images of Ben Bernanke  dumping wheelbarrows full of freshly minted cash into his vault  as she tried to tell me about the rest of her night.    She lost me at depositories.  It's like a cancer patient who doesn't hear a word you say after you drop the C world.    I didn't hear a word she said after the whole depository thing.    All I could do was smile and laugh inside.  It made my day.    I suppose she figured I was just really happy that she pooped.  I didn't have the heart to correct her.  It was just too cute.  This original Happy nursing ecard helps to explain. 

"Nursing.  Where else can you experience the thrill of watching total strangers poop in front of you like it was totally your business."

Nursing.  Where else can you experience the thrill of watching total strangers poop in front of you like it was totally your business nurse ecard humor photo.

I asked my Facebook readers about their funny patient quotes and sayings and I got a great response. Enjoy the humor of the lay person. These responses are sure to make you laugh!
  • Once had a VA patient that came to the ER for chest pain. He said he had tried putting "one of them nuclear explosions under his tongue and that helped some."   I assume he meant nitroglycerine. 
  • I walked in a patients room to give a gcsf shot and asked him where he would like me to give it. He said, "How about your own ass?". 
  • Had a patient who needed a pacemaker, told me he only wanted one that would let him go fishing, but no lawn mowing or other chores.
  • Not my patient but my father (circa1978). " I'm in the cardiac ICU, the cardiologist said that I have 'vagina'".  I'm pretty sure it was aNgina. 
  • I had a patient tell me that her promethazine suppositories really hurt during insertion and that they didn't work. She showed them to me across the counter and I almost died laughing. I told her that it was most likely painful because she wasn't removing the foil wrappers first. What in heck is wrong with some people?
  • "Uh-uh, no way. I was incubated once when I had ammonia and I ain't getting incubated again".
  • "If my grandmother is so dehydrated, why don't you just put her in the bath?"
  • Family of a brain dead patient: "What's the big deal? Can't you just do a brain transplant?" We were all daring each other to call the neurosurgeon with that one.
  • Patient calls me in and is poking himself in the face. It hurts when I do this. Before I could stop myself I said, "Well stop doing that." 
  • Had a female patient tell me she had the "prostrate cancer." I couldn't keep a straight face. 
  • My son a dentist was told by a patient they couldn't use ice on their jaw because they were allergic to ice. My son asked, "What do you mean?  What happens?"   Patient said, "It really turns the area really really red!"   She was serious,he told her not to  leave it place more than 10 minutes or so at a time and that was not an allergy.  You just have to wonder.
  • While doing a neuro check on a new admit on the renal unit I asked a patient if he could tell me where he was.  He said with all seriousness " Yes, I'm at the bottom of Hell, and I hope they serve cold beer here." 
  • One patient complained, "My vagina is humming". 
  • A patient told me she needed the "pap smear where they take your ovaries out and look at them under a microscope and put them back in".
  • Patient with chief complaint, "I don't have a pulse".  When I asked him why he didn't think he had a pulse he said the was at "The Walmart" and took his blood pressure on the machine there and it didn't tell him the pulse. 
  • I asked my patient from Haiti, "Who is the current leader of your country"?   He said, "My wife".  
  • I had a patient once who said they were diagnosed with a dozen lunar infarctions.  
  • A patient that was upset with his care told me he was waiting for his check so he could buy a bus ticket to Hawaii.  Serious! Made it out of the room before I laughed.
  • Putting a foley cath in a guy and he says "When am I gunna cum?.....I mean pee?"
  • Not a medical professional, but an OB/Gyn friend of mine told me about a patient who complained about " fireballs in her Eucharist " for  fibroids in her uterus.
  • After asking a patient to please rate their pain for me, the patient replied with all seriousness "On a scale from 0 to 10 how big of an emergency is this?". The answer was, it's not!
  • As I pulled my patient out of the CT scanner , he said, "I think I missed the movie".
  • I had a 75ish year old lady  who was starting to dement a bit follow me into my office recently. To the delight of most of the other docs and the nurses she loudly proclaimed, "I love the way those jeans fit you!".  Almost everyone in the office heard it.Then, the next visit she said to the whole waiting room and the front staff:   "Not only is he a great doc, but he's handsome and has a really nice smile". A little embarassing but pretty funny.
  • 56 yr old pt told me she's taking prenatal vitamins to help her gain weight because it seems to work for the pregnant ladies. She was sad that recent weight loss had made her butt shrink. 
  • Had a "third world" patient who complained of stomach discomfort. Gave him some Mylanta in a med cup. He poured it on his belly and rubbed it in. "Oh thank you!" (in his own language).
  • Not a saying but I once walked in on a GI bleeder who was drinking his unit of blood right from the bottle. Cutting out the middleman.
  • A pediatric patient was having ear pain after having tubes put in. Mom asked if we were going to put the tylenol in the patient's ear.
  • Coding a record and during the admission the patient refused to drink out of the water jug because she was convinced they also used them as men's urinal bottles!
  • While working in a pharmacy I had a patient hand me a note asking for "Prilosex-for stomach" because her doctor had recommended trying it.
  • I had a schizophrenic patient once who, when he was having troubles, slept on the floor figuring that if anyone came into the room to stab him would go to the bed first. One day he was in an especially foul mood, and I asked him why. He told me that must have gotten up on the wrong side of the floor that morning. I almost had an aneurysm suppressing the guffaw.
  • An elderly confused patient who had just been shaved for a cath told my friend a black bird pecked him clean.
  • Had a patent on a cooling blanket on day. He looked at me so serious and said "Ma'am, have you got a coat or a sweater I could borrow?".
  • Had a patient come unglued in the ER one day. He told the doctor he smoked to "relax".  The doctor said, "That's an oxymoron." and left the room. Patient was furious that the doctor called him a "moron." Oi!! 
  • I once asked a confused patient if she remembered where I told her she was. She said "Yea, in the hospital. Do you want me to act like it?".
  • While triaging a male in his 50s, I asked what his medical history was. "I had a neurocriax". I said "Oh?" And he said, "Yes".  I asked him what that was and he looked surprised and said " You don't know what that is?".  And I said "No sir, I have never heard of that before" and he answered, "My lung shrunk". When I said, "Oh you mean a pneumothorax?" he said with a real attitude, "THAT is what I said. What's wrong with you?". 
  • Middle-aged female walked into ER asking us for a "shot of Penicillin because I have an infection in my public bone."
  • "You got any salve?".   "For what?".   "My piles!".
  • Patient in geriatric chair:  I want a boy I want a boy I want a boy.  (After days of this) Me: Why do you want a boy?   Patient:  I want to make him a man!
  • Had a 50 year old man complain once about his hymenal hernia.
  • Past surgical history in Miami: tummy took.
  • "I have something stuck in my philosophus" from a little old guy.
  • "I have bumps on my cervix". 
  • "Do you have any heart problems", I asked.  "Yes, doc opened for of my Coronas".  I said, "That was rude of him".
  • Feel free to leave your own humorous patient exchanges you've had as a doctor, nurse or other healthcare professional in the comments below.  
Facebook humor:

Happy: I have some concerning news for your sir. Your cardiac echo test shows vegitations on one of your heart valves
Patient: What does that mean?
Happy: It means you have an infection on your heart valve and it's going to require many weeks of antibiotics...
Heard from outside the hall as the patient is calling the wife.
Patient: The doc says I have vegetables growing in my heart and I need antibiotics to kill them...

What are some of the funniest things you've heard patients say?

*****

What does the 96 year old admitted with chest pain tell me? "I'm too busy to spend time in the hospital. I've got things to do." Awesome!

*****

Social history in a nursing home patient:

Happy: Do you drink alcohol everyday?
NH patient: I would but they won't bring me any. How sad...

*****

Two can play that game... 87 year old retired vet past medical history:

Happy: What surgeries have you had?
Vet: I've had every surgery in the book.
Happy: Have you had a sex change operation?

*****

Oldest lady I've ever taken care of with breast implants.   92 years old. She only had one implant though. Her husband got half in the divorce.

*****

When I see a family member sitting in the room I always want to know their relationship. Here's the greatest response I've ever gotten:

Happy: What is your relationship with the patient?
Woman: I'm not sure.

Ouch. I'm going to step outside while you too discuss things...

*****

Happy: How long have you been married?
Patient: We've been married 65 years. And I've never had an argument with her where she got emotional.
Happy: God Bless you, Did you know my 5th year anniversary is Sunday? No wait. It's Monday.
Patient: You better figure that out quick son.

He's a smart guy!

*****

How to pick a surgeon for your hospitalized patient:

Happy: You might need a surgeon while you're here. Do you have a preference on a surgeon?
Patient: Just one that finished in the top half of their medical school class
Happy: That's impossible. There are none. We're all internists.

What's a hospitalist to do now?

*****

"I had a triple femur bypass". Holy crap. Call the news crew! Beats the heck out of the woman who wanted to go him with a couple dozen of them depositories!

*****

"You must have overslept".  What the 100 year old guy said to me when I showed up to round on him at 12:30 pm.  LOL. I'm pretty sure he was kidding. I think.

*****

Happy: Mrs Smith. Do you remember me? I haven't seen you in a week. I brought you in last week when you were really sick.
Mrs Smith: Are you the fireman?

Choose your words wisely...

*****

One of my most uncomfortable experiences ever. Patient with lots of facial hair and a deep husky voice.

Me: "Sir"
Patient: "I'm not even a man"

Hard to talk your way out of that one...

This post is for entertainment purposes only and likely contains humor only understood by those in a healthcare profession. Read at your own risk.

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