Are you wondering how you too can join millions of Americans and quit smoking forever? Are you deep into a nicotine addiction trying hard to get off the cancer sticks but can't seem to muster enough energy or will power to quit smoking right now? Have the tobacco farming hooligans got you so jacked up on pesticide residue that you can't think straight? Have no fear. Happy has discovered the most rapid tobacco detox program ever. Witness this miracle of quitting unfold right infront of my eyes.
Happy: There's a smoke smell in your hospital room. The hospital smoking policy does not allow any tobacco on campus. The smoking vaccine is not yet available and you don't meet income requirements for free Chantix when you leave. Do you need a nicotine patch while you're here?Smoker: That would be great!Happy: I need to know how much you smoke so we can decide what strength nicotine patch to start you on.Smoker: I smoke one half pack per day. That's pretty good for me doc. Last year I was smoking four packs a day.Happy: OK then. I'll talk with my resident physician and we'll figure out what strength of nicotine patch to start you on. Leave the room.Resident Physician: That's funny. When I did the admission in the ER two hours ago, he told me he smoked one pack per day. I think by dinner he'll be a nonsmoker.Happy: Wow. It looks like he's almost a nonsmoker! That's the most rapid tobacco detox program I've ever seen.
What's the quickest way to quit smoking right now? That's easy. Just lie about it. You're not alone. Over 40% of patients lie to their doctor. If you want to quit smoking right now but can't, the perfect plan is just to lie about it. Pretend you're golfing and just take a Mulligan. When you get cancer of the lung, esophagus, pancreas and bladder, make sure you lie about your metastatic spine tumor when the cardiothoracic surgeon is trying to figure out if your heart attack therapy should consist of a four or five vessel bypass intervention too. And don't forget, whichever doctor you are who's going to see Mr I Quit Smoking In My Own Mind, you might as well get paid for your smoking cessation counseling, even if your patients lie about their tobacco use.