Designer Ostomy Covers and Bags Now For Sale At Pampered Poop Parties!

Ostomy covers are necessary in the care of colostomy and ileostomy patients.  The words ileostomy and colostomy refer to the procedure ending up with a bag coming out of the abdomen  that fills with stool.  They are usually placed in folks who have lost the distal portion of their colon (colostomy) or when the entire colon has been removed and the small bowel must be diverted (ileostomy) to the surface of the skin.  An ostomy can often be reversed (called a take down) when the underlying reasons for placing them are resolved, such as treatment of a massive decubitis ulcer.

All ostomy sites must be protected to ensure their survival.  Ostomies require care to prevent ulcers at the exit site.  They can get ischemic and and swollen and obstructed.  Sometimes they need to be surgically revised.  They need to be kept clean at the surface to prevent infections.  They should be kept dry while in the shower or bath.  

That stuff costs money.  You can find ostomy covers and ostomy bags in all assorted sizes and colors at online  stores and at your local medical supply company.  In fact you can even find designer ostomy covers and bags in all colors and designs.   I'm thinking fashion ostomies represent a growth opportunity for  the higher end designer bag makers such as  Coach, Kate Spade and Loui Vitton.  

Designer ostomy covers and bags could take future growth projections for these higher end bag makers to a  whole new level.  The growth opportunities are enormous for an aging and wealthy population who cares less about the bag on their shoulder and more about the bag on their belly.

But don't forget about the little ones out there.  Perhaps even Disney could market Minnie ostomy covers and bags for the little kids out there stricken with a heartbreaking gastrointestinal illness.  Think about it.  How fun would your first grader have showing off his Goofy designer ostomy to all his school yard friends!   Most kids bring a trinket .  Your kid has an ostomy!

Think of the other possibilities.  Hospitals could throw designer ostomy bag parties as a new way to fund their daily operations as the Medicare National Bank goes belly up.  Perhaps an ala carte menu of optional services for patients could include offering them special designer ostomy covers for an additional price.  

Look at the spirit of cooperation between hospitals and hospitalists and you can understand the power of market economics in medicine.  Many doctors are troubled by today's EMRs.  They don't know it yet, but someday EMRs will be their saving grace and they have nothing to do with  making medical care better or more efficient.  As insurance cheapens the value of medical education,  EMRs will become nothing more than a tool for direct marketing.

Medical doctors could go the way of chiropractic marketing and show up at trade shows and State Fairs peddling a whole array of ostomy covers and ostomy bags to a public willing to spend their money on everything but actual health care. Better yet, primary care doctors, internists and gastroenterologists could give the knock off jewelery and purse parties a run for their money.  These doctors  have a focused clientele right at their finger tips.  If they have a patient panel and an EMR, they have a whole new and exciting business opportunity just waiting for them.  Think about it.  Pampered Poop parties here we come!

Just build in an EMR tracker for ostomy care and you have your very own invitation list to your Pampered Poop parties selling knockoff designer ostomy covers and bags.   You think Pampered Chef parties are out of control.  Wait until you have a million doctors inviting you to their ostomy cover parties.   Just you wait.  It's going to happen.  You'll be getting 5, 10, 15 invitations a week to these parties.  It's going to annoy the crap out of you!

I don't think anyone in Washington thought of  the unintended consequences  of a declining Medicare payment model coupled with  the explosion of EMR technology.  Doctors are business owners with an entrepreneurial spirit.  They will always search for alternative sources of income as insurance decimates their bottom line.  Insurance companies just don't want to pay for health care anymore.  Selling ostomy covers is just one way  for doctors to survive.

I guarantee that it  won't stop with colostomy covers and ileostomy bags.  Someday you'll have pulmonologists using their EMR  for direct marketing of their designer trach 'n bake parties .  You'll have vascular surgeons using their EMR for direct marketing  of their  designer stump to the oldies parties.  And you'll have primary care doctors doing botox.  Oh wait, they are already doing that.  

That's the future of the EMR.  It has nothing to do with medical care.  In fact,  the future driving revenue for doctors won't be medical care at all.   Insurance killed that idea.  It will be medical supplies.  Instead of using the EMR to streamline health care, doctors will use it to data mine their patients for the direct to consumer advertising and marketing of goods and services.    You heard it here first.  You thought the drug companies were bad.  Just wait until doctors figure out the power of the EMR.

The whole idea of doctors using their office and patient panel as a direct marketing force de jour lies on the premise that patients are more willing to pay for things they don't need.  You see them pulling up in their full sized SUVs with the shiny 26 inch rims, their smart phones, their $200 jeans and their cigarettes sticking out of their  designer purse.    You know they're willing to pay for image even when they  won't pay a $10 copay to evaluate their diabetes, heart failure, COPD, atrial fibrillation, high cholesterol, leg pains, dizziness, shakes, dry skin, diarrhea, gas, rash and sore throat all in one visit.   You want to survive the future of health care?  I suggest you get yourself an EMR and start data mining your way into a viable business selling stuff your patients want but don't need.  I heard the urologists have already cornered the up and coming cake balls market. 

And for the patients who don't want anything to do with designer ostomy covers?  What do we do about them?  How do we make money on them in the future?  We don't.  But we take great pleasure in discovering the lengths thy will go to save a buck.  We enjoy the creative nature of the human mind.  Like the awesome guy I once took care of who made his own designer ostomy cover  by cutting out the back side of a bottle of liquid laundry detergent.  I suppose you could say his ostomy  never get dirty!  That guy is my hero!


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