Funny List of Fake Medical Diagnoses, Signs and Symptoms.

I asked my Facebook readers to tell me their favorite funny fake medical diagnoses, signs and symptoms and they didn't disappoint.  The Happy Hospitalist is determined to be the go to resource for medical diagnoses that didn't make it into the World Health Organization's ICD-10 manual.  I even discovered some of these crazy medical oddities after joining a super secret club of cynical burned out doctors on the verge of quitting The Game.  They are genius in their simplicity, imagery and truthfulness.

Many of them may be offensive to some readers because of their honest choice of words.  If you believe you cannot handle crude medical humor with an edge, I recommend not reading any further.  You have been warned.  This list of fake medical diagnoses is not for the easily disturbed soul.   For those who can stomach the language and understand the comedy behind the crudeness, I encourage you to read to the very end.  Feel free to add a diagnosis or two  in the comments section below to help others experience the life of a healthcare worker in American ER and hospital based medicine.

Once you're done familiarizing yourself with this large collection of fake medical experiences, don't forget to review The Happy Hospitalist's extensive collection of medical slang and acronymsfunny patient quotes,  and medical mispronunciations and misspelled words that will sure to bring tears of joy and sadness to your eyes.


FAKE MEDICAL DIAGNOSES, SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS.


Numbers

  • 20 year old notsickatallis -  reference to young hypochondriacs showing up in the ER.

A

  • Abdominal Pain of Absolutely No Significance -  as in why come to the ER type of pain. 
  • Acute Evaluation Syndrome -  nursing home patients sent to the ER "to be evaluated".
  • Acute Exacerbation of Chronic Nonsense -  self explanatory.  
  • Acute Lead Poisoning -  gunshot wound.
  • Acute Footie Sock Deficiency -  provided by a Facebook reader without explanation.  I assume it means nasty feet.
  • Acute Hygienic Arrest -  really bad cases of body odor.  
  • Anal Glaucoma -  can't see my ass coming to work today.
  • Arrestogenic Shock -  sudden life threatening illness caused by getting arrested.

B

  • Biscuit Poisoning -  what morbidly obese patients have.
  • Blue Waffle -  infected vulva.
  • Breath Sounds Diminished with Fatness -  self explanatory.
  • Brothel Sprouts -  genital warts.
  • Bugs In the Rug -  pubic lice.

C

  • Callbellectomy -  removing the call light from call light abusers.
  • Canckles -  calf and ankle are one and the same.
  • Cell Phone Sign -  indicates the patient is not really that sick
  • Cell-ulitis -  getting sick right before getting arrested. 
  • Cephaloanal Confusion -  can't tell the ass from the head.  
  • Cephaloanal Inversion -  head and ass are reversed.  
  • Chacne -  chest acne.
  • Chandelier Sign - jumping off the bed to belly palpation,  seen with extreme pain. 
  • Chartomegally -  when the patient is in the hospital so long the chart becomes massive.
  • Cheeto Sign - having nausea and evidence of Cheeto dust at the same time.
  • ChlamydaherpasyphilAIDS -  has all the STDs from sleeping around with the whole football team.
  • Crapacardia -  a bad EKG that needs to be repeated.
  • Craniorectal Inversion -  self explanatory.
  • Cultural traits precluding diagnosis -  when the symptoms only make sense if you are a member of the patient's culture.
  • Cyberchondria -  worrying about all the worst possibilities after reading the internet.

D

  • Dead Shovel -  a patient who has a heart attack shoveling snow.
  • Destined for Prison:  a diagnosis based on history alone.  
  • Dicky-Do -  when the belly sticks out more than the dicky does.
  • Dilaudopenia -  deficiency of Dilaudid.  
  • Dirt Bag Index -  multiplying the number of teeth by the number of tattoos; estimates the number of days since last shower.
  • Discharge Sign - patients with 12/10 pain talking on their cell phones.  
  • Dizziness of No Possible Cause:  a top 10 ER diagnosis. 
  • Double Whopper with Mayo -  obese woman with vaginal discharge.
  • Drunkacidal -  doing life threatening stuff while drunk.
  • Dyshousia -  to be homeless.
E
  • Earring Sign - when the ear lobes are open from having their earrings pulled out; usually indicates a psych background.
  • Ectopoopy -  a bad EKG that needs to be repeated.
  • End Stage Life -  end of life.  
  • Elevated Porcelain Levels -  patient is a crock. 
  • ER Abuse -  self explanatory.
  • Examination After Rejection from a Nursing Home -  also associated with too understaffed to accept.

F

  • Fascinoma -  a crazy finding on a CT scan, usually a big tumor. 
  • Failure to Parent -  a self explanatory diagnosis that is obvious when encountered.
  • Fakasia -  faking stroke symptoms with aphasia to try and get admitted to the hospital.
  • Fake and Shake -  a staged seizure.
  • Farmer's Ear -  this malady is composed of multiple small basal cell carcinomas scattered on a cauliflower like ear which exhibits solar elastosis and multifocal actinic changes; it is always accompanied by a Medicare number and a history of gardening.
  • Failure to Contribute to Society  they can be spotted a mile away..  
  • Failure to Parent: diagnose in unruly kids in the ER. 
  • Failure to Thrive in Adulthood -  unable to manage adult responsibilities.
  • Feizures -  fake seizures.
  • Fibrolupusthenia Gravis -  when it's not known if the symptoms are some weird autoimmune condition are all psychiatric manifestations.
  • Fibromyangina -  chest pain with fibromyalgia.
  • Fibromythalgia -  a reference to not believing fibromyalgia is a real disease.
  • Fibro Storm -  really bad cases of fibromyalgia that result in hospitalization. 
  • Fecal Impaction at the Circle of Willis -  reference to making poor decisions in life.  
  • Frozen Body Syndrome -  when they might as well be dead for all intents and purposes.  
  • Fictitious illness - illness that obviously staged.
  • Fluttering Eye Syndrome -  patient faking unconsciousness.
  • Food seeking behavior -  "When can I get a tray".
  • Furniture Sign -  when families bring their own furniture to the hospital; plan on prolonged hospital stay.

G

  • Globus Stupidicus - self explanatory.  
  • GonoherpasyphilAIDS - has all the STDs from sleeping with the entire football team.
  • Gravity Assisted Concrete Poisoning -  a fall to the ground.
  • Gown Sign -  seen on the streets after leaving AMA.

H

  • Handbag Clasp Sign -  confused LOL laying in bed with a death grip on her handbag.
  • Happy Meal Sign -  if the kid wants a Happy Meal, they don't have appendicitis.
  • Heartastroke -  patients who confuse heart symptoms with stroke symptoms and have an impossible combination of both.  
  • Hi 5 -  HIV positive.
  • High Serum Porcelain Level -  patient is a crock of sh*t.
  • Hilton Sign -  patients who expect upscale hotel like service at the hospital.
  • Hispanic Panic -  hysteria, usually in a Hispanic female; see Status Hispanicus.
  • HypoCBCemia -  when patients demand unnecessary blood to be drawn.
  • Hydrocodonemia -  subtherapeutic levels of hydrocodone.
  • Hyperdilaudemia -  too much Dilaudid, rarely seen in the ER.
  • Hypodilaudemia -  subtherapeutic Dilaudid levels.
  • Hypovicodemia -  subtherapeutic levels of Vicoden.
  • Hypoxanaxemia -  subtherapeutic Xanax levels.

I

  • I sign -  as in the sound of pain in Spanish (e.g. "aye...aye...AYE...aye").
  • Inappropriate Secretion of  Offensive Bodily Odor -  self explanatory.
  • Incarceritis -  becoming ill when just about to go to jail.
  • Incidentaloma -  a CT finding found incidentally, usually of insignificance but causing a lot of emotional distress for patients.  
  • Ineffective Coping -  self explanatory.
  • Insurance Pain -  pain that presents when insurance settlements are involved.  

J

  • Jiffy Feet -  used to describe gross feet.
  • Jumba -  a very large patient.
  • Jungle Rhythm -  irregular cardiac strip from the heart monitor.
  • Just a Hot Mess -  self explanatory.

K

  • K-Mart -  used to describe gross feet.  

L

  • Lacking Viable Cognitive Resources -  self explanatory.
  • Loose Change -  traumatic limb injury in need of amputation.

M

  • M Sign -  patient just says "mmmmm".
  • Mangina -  for woosies in the ED.
  • Mediterranean Syndrome -  for symptoms like pain, insomnia, fatigue, dizziness, non sustained by clinical or lab findings; in "South Mediterranean" aka Maghrebian women,  who simply need attention.
  • Mental Health Hospice -  end of life mental illness. 
  • Microdeckia -  not playing with a full deck.
  • Microsoft Syndrome - this was provided by a Facebook reader but no explanation given.
  • Milk Dud -  in reference to a breast lump.
  • Mom Sign - 18 year old patients who's mom  has to accompany them to the ED and stay the whole time.

N

  • Neck Pain Because It Wasn't My Fault -  seen in MVA victims one week later, after they have talked with a lawyer. 
  • Necrotizing Fibromyalgia -  for those really bad cases of fibro with opiate and benzo treatment leading to a near death experience in one way or another.
  • Needs a spanking - for those undisciplined kids raising havoc in the ER.
  • Needs Swing Bed -  admitting diagnosis for patients who just need placement in a nursing home.
  • Negative Wallet Biopsy -  transferring a patient to another hospital due to lack of insurance.
  • Non-febrile fever -  when there are complaints of fever without fever.
  • Nutritional Overachiever -  describing someone who is obese.

O

  • O sign -  mouth wide open in the shape of the letter O.
  • Obnoxious Genitalia -  self explanatory.  
  • Occular Rectal Fistula -  having a sh*tty outlook on life.
  • Old Man Cluster -  patients with the usual comorbidities (CAD, HTN, COPD, etc) have old man cluster.
  • Omen Sign -  when the number of IV pumps grossly outnumbers the number of IV lines creating an inverse relationship.
  • Organ Recital -  pan positive review of systems.  
  • Overdose in order to get attention from my pathetic family - a constant frustration for ERs everywhere. 

P

  • Pajama Sign -  when hospital clothing is refused in favor of pajamas; in kids, this indicates they are in charge at home.
  • Percopenia -  low levels of blood Percocet.
  • Permasupine Syndrome - when grandma hasn't seen the upright position in three years.  
  • Phalangiolithiasis - "that girl is married"; often used in medical school social situations.
  • Pneumoencephalopathy -  airhead.
  • Polybabydaddia -  a woman who comes to the ER with multiple kids from different daddies.
  • Polysuggestivitis - patients that do what you say they should have done; for example, telling a patient when people have seizures, they always flail their left arm and the left arm begins to flail.
  • Poocano -  poop volcano.
  • Poonami -  poop tsunami.
  • Pot Plant -  a person in a persistent vegetative state.
  • Princess Bride -  when a patient comes to the ER that is mostly dead already.
  • Pseuodocidal -  patients who come to the ER with reading material and cigarettes to check in for their suicide attempt.
  • Pseudoseizuritis -  fake seizures.  
  • Putrid Feet With Alcholism -  a dual diagnosis almost always seen together.

Q

  • Q Sign -  mouth wide open with tongue sticking out.  Variant of the O sign.
  • Q-Dot Sign -  Q Sign with a fly on the tongue (or nose) to indicate death is imminent.
R
  • Ring Sign -  the more rings a patient wears, the more likely they have fibromyalgia.

S

  • Sad Pandas -  patients who are in constant need of graham crackers, diet rite, pain meds, xanax, and who's water cups are always out of reach no matter where you put it, who demand a Foley at admission and who you have to remind to "use your arms and legs".
  • Sauerkraut -  CABG gone bad.
  • Serum Redneck Levels -  self explanatory.
  • Severe Lortab deficiency -  self explanatory.
  • Skeezers -  seizures that are so ridiculous they must be rehearsed.
  • Skell -  a drunk, homeless person with a nasty attitude.
  • Slug -  surgery patients who require a crane to make them get up and walk the halls.
  • Smurfs -  patients who are blue from a lack of oxygen.
  • Sociamantectomy -  socially inept patients who have lost all manners.
  • Speed Bump -  someone that has been run over.
  • Status Dramaticus -  often exists with other comorbidities; a condition commonly found in female ER patients age 20-35.
  • Status Hispanicus -  an overly anxious Hispanic woman that can't stop screaming.
  • Suicidal Vacation - coming to the ER with a suitcase right after a pseudo suicide attempt.  
  • Summer Teeth -  when some 'er there and some aren't.
  • Supratentorial -  when the cause of unexplained symptoms originates from above the tentorium; indicating of psychiatric origin.
  • Suitcase (or Samsonite) Sign -  showing up at the hospital with a suitcase expecting to be admitted.
  • Symptoms Requiring Consultation From the Mayo Clinic -  for that ROS for which no diagnosis exists.   

T

  • Tachylordy -  elderly patients with tachycardia who think they are about to die and scream "lordy, lordy, lordy" over and over again.
  • Teddy Bear Sign -  a clear sing of mental illness for any patient of double digit age showing up in the ER with a Teddy Bear. 
  • Terminal Fibrocryalgia -  fibro patients with an extremely fragile emotional state.
  • Terminal Whining -  a play on the terminal weening for end of life ventilator patients.  
  • Threemidnightitis -  diagnose when patients need a three midnight hospital stay to qualify for SNF benefits.  
  • Thor Sign -  when the ROS is so positive that if you asked if a bolt of lightning came out of them, the answer is still yes.  
  • Throckmorton Sign - on xray, when the penis points in the direction of unilateral disease.
  • Tinted Speculopathy - wearing sunglasses in the ER as a sign of imminent hospital admission.
  • Toaster Head -  a preemie that has a typical preemie narrow head with flat sides and looks just like a toaster. 
  • To Hell And Back -  seen when patients and their family are healthcare trained. 
  • Too Angry For Discharge - when patients are upset they won't be admitted from the ER, just admit them, even if it isn't necessary.
  • Too Demented To Care About Paying For A Nursing Home But The Daughter Wants The Farmland -  keeping mom home alone without supervision for farmland reasons.  
  • Too Slothy To Support Themselves -  admit to hospital for butler services. 
  • Too Old To Answer A Question Without Telling A Story -  It was one simple question.
  • Too Old To Breath In The Upright Position -  approaching death, but need one or two more hospitalizations and transfers from the nursing home. 
  • Too Old To Discharge -  some patients just need to be admitted to the hospital. 
  • Too Old To Ballroom Dance -  when they could ballroom dance prior to admission, but now they can't.  
  • Too Old To Hyperventilate -  that's when you know time is running out.
  • Too Old To Order Telemetry -  when you're that old, does it really matter?
  • Too Old To Pee On My Own -  so frail, even basic life functions fail.  
  • Too Wrinkled To Smile -  now that's old, people.
  • Tooth to Tattoo Ratio -  when more tattoos than teeth are present plan for the unexpected.
  • Total Body Dolor -  provided by a Facebook reader without explanation.  
  • Toxic foot syndrome -  the odiferous feet found mostly on those found down or the homeless.
  • Toxic Sock Syndrome -  a play on toxic shock syndrome; self explanatory.
  • Typical Teenager -  brought to the ER for them to "take care of things".
U
  • Underdose -  an overdose that doesn't kill the patient.
  • Unemployable -  if you can't get a job, come to the ER instead.
  • Unholy Trinity -  toxicology screen containing cocaine, opiates and amphetamine.
  • Unrealistic Familial Expectations -  as in full code for 108 year old grandma in the supine position for 3 years.
  • Upset Son Is Demanding Admission - when no other indication for admission exists. 
  • Urban Outdoorsman -  homeless man.

V

  • Vangina -  women with an exhaustive negative work up for chest pain still having chest pain.
  • Vet Like Qualities -  old men with lots of medical problems and who will likely never die.  
  • Vitamin IQ deficiency -  to indicate a lack of basic intelligence.

W

  • Wallet Sign -  transfering a patient to another hospital when they don't have insurance.   
  • Waitress Dependency -  when patients demand that their nurses act like servants.
  • Wheezer Geezer -  COPDer who still smokes.
  • Whinorrhea -  patients who whine a lot.
  • Wife Sign - when the wife won't leave the patient's room, ever; a sign to plan for prolonged hospitalization.

X

Y

Z

 

Make sure to check out my hundreds of original crude medical ecards at The Happy Hospitalist on Pinterest.

"My ER is filled to the brim with acute exacerbation of chronic nausea."
My ER is filled to the brim with acute exacerbation of chronic nonsense nurse ecard humor photo. Medical Humor Store Banner


"Before bringing your child to the ER, please consider failing to raise them as the most likely diagnosis."

Before bringing your child to the ER, please consider failing to raise them as the most likely diagnosis doctor ecard humor photo.


"I think we should relabel our ER room numbers to things like 'drug seeker or 'drunk ass' or 'crazy lady'.  I mean seriously, that tells me a lot more than 'I need help in room 12'."

I think we should relabel the ER rooms ecard humor


"How the heck did THAT patient get married?  And I can't even get a date?"

How the heck did that patient get married?  And I can't even get a date? Nurse ecard humor photo.


"Emergency Medicine:  I saw one patient today with adult coping skills."

Emergency Medicine:  I saw one patient today with adult coping skills doctor ecard humor photo.


"I'm sorry ma'am, but your 32 year old son you brought in with the low pain tolerance has a raging case of Grow Up You Whiny Moocher And Get Your Own Apartment."

I'm sorry ma'am, but your 32 year old son you brough in with the low pain tolerance has a raging case of grow up you whiny moocher and get your own apartment nurse ecard humor photo.


"Nothing says crappy day in the ER better than running out of extra long speculums."

Nothing says crappy day in the ER better than running out of extra long speculums doctor ecard humor photo


"The ER doctor wrote no apparent injury after assault.  but what he really meant to write was patient destined for prison."

The ER doctor wrote no apparent injury after assault.  But what he really meant to write was patient destined for prison doctor ecard humor photo


"Manstruation is the second most common diagnosis in the hospital, right behind acute exacerbation of There's Nothing Wrong With You Get A Job You Disability Faker."

Manstruation is the second most common diagnosis in the hospital, right behind acute exacerbation of There's Nothing Wrong With You Get A Job You Disability Faker ecard humor photo.


This post is for entertainment purposes only and likely contains humor only understood by those in a healthcare profession. Read at your own risk.

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6 Outbursts:

  1. LII
    (Laugh Induced Incontinence)

    ReplyDelete
  2. "Mental Health Hospice
    Unrealistic Familial Expectations"

    We're too busy with the second ones to take the first ones!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I've been saying for years that if "poor coping skills" were a codable diagnosis, we'd all be rich!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Brilliant!

    I'd add Intractable Jackass to this list.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  6. not on any automated dropdown list. generated on mock forms and tacked to break room wallboard, by some imminently burned-out, brilliant, battle hardened git. ask me how i know...

    /assuming room temperature
    //cancel christmas
    //dirt nap
    ///ECU (eternal care unit)

    personal faves

    ReplyDelete

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